monty python – bishop on the landing lyrics
mother: (turning off radio) liberal rubbish! klaus!
klaus: yeah?
m: whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
k: ‘alibut.
m: the jugged fish is ‘alibut!
k: well, what fish ‘ave you got that isn’t jugged?
m: rabbit.
k: what, rabbit fish?
m: uuh, yes…it’s got fins….
k: is it dead?
m: well, it was coughin’ up blood last night.
k: all right, i’ll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
voice over: one dead unjugged rabbit fish later:
k: (putting down his knife and fork) well, that was
really ‘orrible.
m: aaw, you’re always complainin’!
k: wha’s for afters?
m: rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry
tart.
k: (eyes lighting up) strawberry tart?
m: well, it’s got -some- rat in it.
k: ‘ow much?
m: three. a lot, really.
k: well, i’ll have a slice without so much rat in it.
voice over: one slice of strawberry tart without so
much rat in it later:
k: (putting down fork and knife) appalling.
m: naw, naw, naw!
son: (coming in the door) ‘ello mum. ‘ello dad.
k: ‘ello son.
s: there’s a dead bishop on the landing, dad!
k: really?
m: where’s it from?
s: waddya mean?
m: what’s its diocese?
s: well, it looked a bit bath and wells-ish to me…
k: (getting up and going out the door) i’ll go and have
a look.
m: i don’t know…kids bringin’ ’em in here….
s: it’s not me!
m: i’ve got three of ’em down by the bin, and the
dustmen won’t touch ’em!
k: (coming back in) leicester.
m: ‘ow d’you know?
k: tattooed on the back o’ the neck. i’ll call the
police.
m: shouldn’t you call the church?
s: call the church police!
k: all right. (shouting) the church police!
(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
(the church police burst in the door)
detective what’s all this then, amen!
m: are you the church police?
all the police officers: (in unison) ho, yes!
m: there’s another dead bishop on the landing, vicar
sargeant!
detective: uh, detective parson, madam. i see…
suffrican, or diocisian?
m: ‘ow should i know?
d: it’s tatooed on the back o’ their neck. (spying the
tart) ‘ere, is that rat
tart?
m: yes.
d: disgusting! right! men, the chase is on! now we
should all kneel!
(they all kneel)
all: o lord, we beseech thee, tell us ‘oo croaked
lester!
(thunder)
voice of the lord: the one in the braces, he done it!
klaus: it’s a fair cop, but society’s to blame.
detective: agreed. we’ll be charging them too.
k: i’d like you to take the three by the bin into
consideration.
d: right. i’ll now ask you all to conclude this harrest
with a hymn.
all: all things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful,
the church fuzz nicked them all.
amen.
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