rudimentary peni – better not born lyrics
it seemed like a d-mn futile business to keep on living. no more tutors – high school next september which would probably be a devilish bore, since one couldn’t be as free and easy as one had been during brief sn-tches at the neighbourly slater avenue school…
oh h-ll! why not slough off consciousness altogether?…
the whole life of man was a mere cosmic second -so i couldn’t be missing much. the method was the only trouble. i didn’t like messy exits, and dignified ones were hard to find. really good poisons were hard to get -those in my chemical laboratory (i reestablished this inst-tution in the bas-m-nt of the new place) were crude and painful. bullets were spattery and unreliable. hanging was ignominious. daggers were messy unless one could arrange to open a wrist in a bowl of warm water -and even that had its drawbacks despite good roman precedent. falls from a cliff were positively vulgar in view of the probable state of the remains. well what tempted me most was the warm, shallow reed-grown barrington river down the east sh-r- of the bay. i used to go there on my bicycle and look speculatively at it. (that summer i was always on my bicycle wishing to be away from home as much as possible since my abode reminded me of the home i had lost). how easy it would be to wade among the bushes and lie face down in the warm water till oblivion came. there would be a certain gurgling or choking unpleasantness at first, but it would soon be over. then, the long, peaceful night of non-existence… what i had enjoyed from the mythical start of eternity till the 20th of august 1890. more and more i looked at the river on drowsy sun-golden summer afternoons. i liked to think of the beauty of the sun and blue river and green sh-r-s and distant white steeple as enfolding me at the last -it would be as if the element of mystical cosmic beauty were dissolving me, and yet certain elements -notably scientific curiosity and a sense of world drama- held me back. much in the universe baffled me, yet i knew i could pry the answers out of books if i lived and studied longer. things have learned to walk that ought to crawl.
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