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1990 studio cast of strike up the band - unofficial spokesman lyrics

[fletcher]
the man you are about to see
will live on history’s page
he’s a man of very high degree
and the unofficial wizard of the age

[ensemble]
unofficial wizard of the age
unofficial wizard of the age
unofficial wizard of the age

[fletcher]
he is no ordinary gent
this confidential sage
he’s right behind the president
is the unofficial wizard of the age

[ensemble]
unofficial wizard of the age
unofficial wizard of the age
unofficial wizard of the age
tra la la la, good morning, mister colonel

[holmes]
good morning
[fletcher]
he’s joined so many different societies
he has degrees of ninety+nine varieties
he’s an f.f.v.

[holmes]
and an e+s+q.

[fletcher]
he’s a z.b.t.

[holmes]
and he’s okay, too

[ensemble]
he’s an l.l.d.
and a g.o.p.
which emphatically shows
that no matter where he goes
from a, b, c
to x, y, z
he’s a man of very high degree
he’s a man of very high degree

[women]
very high
[men]
not low

[women]
very high

[men]
not low

[women]
high

[men]
low

[women]
high

[men]
low

[women]
high

[men]
low
[ensemble]
degree

[holmes]
when i was born into this universe
by a process which i do not care to mention
i never once said “goo goo” to my nurse
which was quite beyond the lady’s comprehension
i found i drew attention being silent
and that is how my rise to fame occurred
great dignity to politics soon i lent
by never, never uttering a word

[ensemble]
he never said a thing that was absurd
because, you see, he never said a word

[holmes]
i’m the unofficial, unofficial
spokesman of the u.s.a.
though to interview me, interview me
all reporters do essay
if i tell ’em nothing, tell ’em nothing
how can i be blundering?
and i find it helpful, very helpful
just to keep ’em wondering
like a massachusetts, massachusetts resident
who once became a, once became a president
i never, never, never, never say a word

[ensemble, spoken]
hooray! speech! speech!

[holmes, spoken]
my good friends
i’m afraid the president wouldn’t want me to say anything
oh, my position, you know
i, i don’t dare do any talking
anything you want to know about me
thing for you to do is read my book
four years near the white house
all drugstores, dollar thirty+seven
just to advertise it though
gonna sell a few here today for a dollar twenty+eight!
here you are, dollar twenty+eight
get ’em while they’re hot!

[ensemble, spoken]
hooray!

[ensemble]
he’s the unofficial, unofficial
spokesman of the u.s.a.
though to interview him, interview him
all reporters do essay
if he tells ’em nothing, tells ’em nothing
how can he be blundering?
and he finds it helpful, very helpful
just to keep ’em wondering
like a massachusetts, massachusetts resident
who once became a, once became a president
he never, never, never, never says a word

[fletcher]
some matters have come up today
important as can be
so won’t you kindly step this way
to a confidential conference with me?

[ensemble]
some matters have come up today
some matters dark and grim
so won’t you kindly step this way
to a confidential conference with him?

[ensemble & holmes, spoken]
he’s the unofficial, unofficial
spokesman of the u.s.a.
though to interview him, interview him (and here’s)
all reporters do essay (one for you, autographed copy)

[holmes, spoken]
oh no, no, no, don’t pay me
you can send me a check

[fletcher, spoken]
thank you, colonel
now then, what i want to say is this

[holmes, spoken]
hmm?

[fletcher, spoken]
as a patriotic american, i feel that the united states
must send an answer to switzerland refusing to repeal the cheese tariff

[holmes, spoken]
oh, delicate situation!

[fletcher, spoken]
well, it’s a matter of honor

[holmes, spoken]
might mean war

[fletcher, spoken]
no, no, don’t say that, please

[holmes, spoken]
got to say it
might mean war!

[fletcher, spoken]
a war is the last thing i’d want
personally, mind you

[holmes, spoken]
terrible thing, war

[fletcher, spoken]
terrible

[holmes, spoken]
can’t eat sugar

[fletcher, spoken]
don’t i know
will you ever forget the last war?
the suffering was awful

[holmes, spoken]
and saluting all the time
i was a wreck

[fletcher, spoken]
but we can’t think only of ourselves
there’s america

[holmes, spoken]
where?

[fletcher, spoken]
she’s entitled to the best
and fletcher’s american cheese is the best
made from grade a milk
you know what swiss cheese is?

[holmes, spoken]
can’t eat it

[fletcher, spoken]
there you are

[holmes, spoken]
don’t know about war, though
awful lot of trouble

[fletcher, spoken]
but this will be the last one
a war to end war
no kidding
it means another book
a book about the war

[holmes, spoken]
another one about peace terms

[fletcher, spoken]
you could sell the three together

[holmes, spoken]
then i could do another one
five years of peace

[fletcher, spoken]
and ten years of peace

[holmes, spoken]
fifteen—

[fletcher, spoken]
twenty—

[holmes, spoken]
twenty+five!

[fletcher, spoken]
sold!

[holmes, spoken]
costs a lot of money, war does
what do you think we ought to have—
a little war or a big one?

[fletcher, spoken]
oh, well
if it’s only going to be a little one i’d rather let the whole thing drop

[holmes, spoken]
runs into money

[fletcher, spoken]
colonel holmes—

[holmes, spoken]
yes, sir?

[fletcher, spoken]
suppose that some patriotic citizen came along
who was willing to help pay the cost of this war

[holmes, spoken]
well, that’d help
then i could see the steel people, y.m.c.a, all those folks
they all oughta chip in
gives ’em a lot of advertising

[fletcher, spoken]
colonel holmes, i’ll pay all the expenses of this war
and give the government twenty+five percent of the profits

[holmes, spoken]
you mean that?

[fletcher, spoken]
on one condition

[holmes, spoken]
what’s that?

[fletcher, spoken]
the was has got to be named after me

[holmes, spoken]
it’s a go

[fletcher, spoken]
right!

[fletcher & holmes, spoken]
to the horace j. fletcher memorial war!

- 1990 studio cast of strike up the band lyrics

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