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4lung - garfield bowl by shakespearehemmingway (as read by punkyotesab) lyrics

it was a sunny morning when the super bowl committee was about to announce the half time act for the super bowl. in attendance was famous singers like katy perry, taylor swift and kanye west. kanye west sat in smug contempt knowing he would be chosen

“i will be singing the half time show, i am the greatest living man, even greater than garfield.” thought kanye west to himself with vanity. as committee chairman opened letter all gasped with antic+p+tion and sweat ran down their faces

“the next super bowl half time show act will be… garfield!” declared the super bowl committee announcer with excitement

everyone cheered and celebrated except kanye west, who exploded into a fit of rage

“what.” cried out kanye west as he bolted from his chair

“this is an abomination. i am the chosen artist of the millennium, it should be me who performs!” shouted kanye west with grandiosity

“you are chosen garbage man of the trash heap. garfield is clearly the greatest man.” said super bowl committee chairman to kanye west

“you will all pay for this in dividends!” kanye west said as he boarded his private jet

“take me home. i need to speak with my lovely kim for advice.” said kanye west to pilot as he sat back in his recliner chair

kanye west’s private plane flew like eagle with a wing full of fury and came to his mansion headquarters. kanye west departed his plane to enter the comfort of his house and be greeted by his beloved

“kanye you are back and you must be so happy that you are singing in the super bowl.” kim kardashian said rushing to kanye west

“no. you will not believe the insults i endured. i will not be singing in the super bowl. instead it will be garfield.” spatted out kanye west in disgust

“but kanye, you are the chosen artist of the millennium, this cannot be.” said kim kardashian with disbelief
“i know, something must be done, i cannot let them disrespect my artistry.” “kanye west said with determination

“maybe it is time to use plan zero.” said kim kardashian with advice

“yes, with plan zero they will be forced to obey me, and honor my contributions to humanity.” kanye west said with self glorious delusion

meanwhile in all american roadside bar, garfield was drinking lasagna beer and relaxing to his groove. he had a big show to put on, but he wasn’t sweating any worries

“rocking out is one of my favorite things to do, along with eating lasagna, loving ladies and dispensing justice.” garfield thought to himself

garfield was watching his favorite show “s+xy ladies eating lasagna” on the bar tv when all of a sudden interruptions came

“this program is being interrupted by an important message from kanye west.” said the tv announcer

kanye west then appeared on screen for all to see with shades and smug expressionless face. he was in a room which looked like a secret lab. behind him was beyonce, rihanna, taylor swift, and katy perry trapped in giant clear test tubes

“ladies and gentleman, people of the world. it is i, kanye west, the chosen artist of the millennium. i come here to you with decrees. if i do not restore my proper place in the universe and make the half time super bowl act, i will inject these hot s+xy ladies with ebola.” kanye west threatened with intent

“to show my seriousness, i will give a display of my capabilities.” kanye west said as he snapped his fingers. at his beckoning, a servant appeared to him

“what is it my liege?” said the servant to kanye west

“my humble servant, you will now perform your greatest task and give yourself to me whole. for the glory of my name you must be sacrificed.” said kanye west as he injected the servant with ebola. at kanye west’s injection, the servant became to undertake a startling transformation

“uwaaaagh.” cried out the servant as he body twitched and contorted in unnatural ways. before long his body had transformed completely into a hideous ebola monster
“behold my power and tremble in fear!” exclaimed kanye west pointing to his ebola monster

“you have 24 hours to give in to my demands, or else these fine specimens of ladyhood will suffer the consequences. kanye out!” said kanye west as he switched off his broadcast

garfield trembled with anger at the depravity he witnessed. so angry was he that without realizing, he crushed beer glass in his hand to fine sand

“there is a plague called kanye west and the only vaccine is my fist.” garfield said with justice so great it would make children cry

garfield caroused out of bar like whirlwind of valor. once outside he boarded his custom harley davidson motorcycle for riding intent

garfield rode he was pursued by biker warriors working for kanye west. they wore badges with kanye west’s face and wielded guns that shot ebola needles

“i am the doctor of pain, and my diagnosis is murder.” garfield said as he took out his desert eagle and aimed at ebola biker scum

“time to cure you of life.” garfield said as he fired rain of bullets which tore through biker villain flesh

“my storm of bullets washes the filth of villainy.” garfield said with satisfaction as he continued onward

garfield’s riding eventually came to a stop when he reached west mansion. as garfield approached, thunder clashed with lightning for the fate of the heavens themselves knew that a showdown of destiny was about to happen. garfield approached the mansion gates which were decorated with gargoyles with kanye west’s head on them

“nothing like a good tailgate.” garfield said as he punched the gate down

“the only thing i will be grilling is kanye west’s face.” garfield declared while walking to mansion

as garfield entered yard, he passed fountain which had statue of kanye west spitting water and holding a n0bel peace prize trophy
“tomfoolery.” garfield roared as he smashed statue with his mighty fists. garfield then walked into a mansion to serve justice like fine wine, aged and chilled. in the mansion room he saw decorations of decadence. paintings of kanye west in historical and mythic scenes, fighting minotaurs, and crossing the rubicon. in the center was a statue of kanye west with a great sword standing triumphantly over a dragon

“make believe victories for make believe man.” garfield said with stoic truth. on the statue garfield saw a switch and went close for examining. on flipping the switch the statue and surrounding floor went down like elevator to secret bas+m+nt lab. lab was made of halls with walls and floors

“the torment of innocence screams from this lab.” garfield said to himself knowingly

as garfield explored and explored he finally arrived at destination. he saw kanye west and test tubes filled with s+xy ladies in distress. garfield rushed in for confrontations ready to bring down his hammer of justice on kanye west’s feeble flesh

“garfield?! what are you going in my treasured home. how dare you!” kanye west cried out in disbelief

“did you think you could kidnap ladies and insult me— and insult with me nursery rhymes and live?” garfield said as he cracked his knuckles

“i am the chosen artist of the millennium! you are nothing! “crush him!” kanye west ordered to his ebola monster. the ebola monster rushed garfield with shoulder charge but garfield stopped him with one hand

“madness of the mind deforms flesh. time to end the misery, poor beast.” garfield said with solemn words as he picked up ebola monster and pile drived him into ground

“find peace in the abyss.” garfield said as he looked down at dead ebola monster with sadness

“how could you! i order you to leave! you are nothing! i am the future!” kanye west squealed with tantrum

“you have no future.” garfield said as he glared at kanye west with eyes of burning lasagna

“no! i am the chos+chosen artist of the millennium! i am a g+nius! i am unstoppable! feel my strength!” said kanye west as he ran toward garfield in flailing motion and punched a fist at him, but it was deflected off like foam on a brick wall

“worm, you claim godhood but have not even achieved manhood. feel my fist and fall to h+ll.” garfield said as he thrust mighty fist at kanye west vaporizing him into dust

after the vaporizing of kanye west, kim kardashian came out to garfield

“garfield, i was in love with kanye west, but now i see what a true man is. will you not take me and give me loving pleasure?” pleaded kim kardashian with wanting in her voice

“i do not lay with beasts.” said garfield as he threw his lit handgun lighter at kim kardashian making her explode into flames. with another job well done, garfield strutted over to ladies in peril and freed them of their test tube prisons

“garfield it is too late.” said taylor swift with sadness

“yes it is true garfield, kanye west already injected us with ebola, we are doomed.” sighed beyonce with hopelessness

“have no fear, p+ssycats. my manly loving can cure all diseases.” garfield said with a wink as he unsheathed his man blade

“oh, garfield you always know what to say to put lady’s mind at ease.” said katy perry with relief

“garfield, you are the teacher, we are the students. please maximize our pleasure capsules.” “rihanna said with desire

“you got it baby bottoms, but first thing is first, you ladies must put on your own half time show for me. pleasure yourselves for my amus+m+nt.” garfield said as he sat back with champagne glass and lasagna cigarette

“anything for you garfield.” katy perry said as she began kissing rihanna with all of her mouth and face

taylor swift and beyonce began rubbing against each other like b+tter being rubbed on toast and garfield watched with much entertainment at the lady loving

“this is fun, but loving is not a spectator sport.” garfield said as he jumped in for a good time

“garfield please show us what a real artist can do with his paintbrush.” moaned beyonce with ecstasy

“you know it, hot cakes. i will be making my masterpiece of pleasure. my canvas will be your bodies, my paintbrush will be my manhood.” garfield said as he prepared himself to give his special ladies time of their life

all of the lovely ladies then laid down on king sized bed next to each other and waited patiently for garfield to give them pleasure power of maximum force

“this is what i call a babe buffet.” garfield said as he took turns thrusting his cosmic love katana into each of the fine females

(oh my god.)

“garfield you are man like none other on this earth. you make me want to write songs about you.” taylor swift whinnied with pleasure

“right now the only lyrics you will be singing is moans of satisfaction.” garfield said to his songbirds as he pleasured with force of a bull and grace of a gazelle

the loving went on for hours but what seemed like moments as garfield spread his loving on his darling divas with expertise of a paint+ of a master. the ladies sweat with love and shed tears of pleasure as they received their loving like mailbox receiving letters, eager and full of pride. after love making, the ladies felt renewed

“garfield it is a miracle. we are cured of ebola.” exclaimed katy perry with joy

“i told you. the only vaccine you need is here.” garfield said pointing down at his pants

“garfield can you not love us more? we are hungry and you are main meal of manhood.” said beyonce l!cking her lips

“oh no, it is almost time for super bowl halftime!” garfield said with surprise at seeing the time

“garfield you will never reach the super bowl in time we are too far away.” sighed taylor swift with worry

“no fears my s+xy stars, behold.” garfield reassured ladies. garfield put down two mighty fingers in his mouth and whistled a mighty whistle and a familiar voice was heard by all

“amakoooooo”

it was jon arbuckle riding a fighter jet over the mansion!

“garfield hurry on out, we have to hurry to the super bowl half time to rock out and melt faces!” jon arbuckle said on loudspeaker

“there is my ride, i have to jet. i will catch you saucy sirens later.” garfield said cooly with a wink as he left mansion to board jet

“there is the chosen real man of the millennium.” swe+swooned rihanna with longing as she watched garfield leave

garfield boarded jet and with jon arbuckle flew to super bowl stadium where the super bowl was being played. when they arrived they braked the jet (yeah) and disembarked on to half time stage where the rest of the band was waiting for them. the crowd went into hysterics on seeing garfield and jon arbuckle arrive on stage. even patriots and seahawks lost their cool when seeing their heroes in the flesh. garfield took out his mic and jon arbuckle took out his flaming lasagna electric guitar as they prepared to address audience

“h+llo everyone here at super bowl stadium. for your listening pleasure is hot new song off our new ep titled “lonely lasagna lover”. keep hold of your faces so they are not melted. ” garfield said as he prepared to rock stadium off its roof

mist machines went off and lasers lights shot forth from stage. the song started with cool keyboard intro and was joined by jon arbuckle’s chords of power for heavy metal rocking and garfield began to sign with awesome manly voice

babe, always thinking about you
don’t know anymore what to do
walking alone filled with doubt
want to l!ck you inside and out
you are my lonely lasagna lover
a girl like you there is no other
i’ll be on you like big brother
because you are my lonely lasagna lover

sugar, your lips make me hot
i want to give you everything i got
like fresh lasagna you are soft and wet
kneel down and be my teachers pet

you’re my lonely lasagna lover
in your legs i want to go undercover
i want to love you over and over
because you are my lasagno—lonely lasagna lover

jon arbuckle then began shredding with the precision of surgeon and the power of a comet, sparks and flames coming out of his guitar. in the audience, garfield saw a nerdy girl with glasses. he waved his hand at her and using the power of metal turned her into cool rocker chick with tight fitting garfield tank top. after electric solo garfield began singing again

you’re spicy and hot like tomato sauce
but in the bedroom i am the boss
i am a starving man hungry for love
our bodies fit together like a glove

you’re my lonely lasagna lover
i can never live with another
inside my thoughts you always hover
because you are my lonely lasagna lover

(oh my f+cking god, what is wrong with me?)

after rocking performance audience went into ecstatic celebration and applauded with sounds of a hurricane fighting an earthquake. both the patriots and seahawks cried at the power they witnessed, humbled and awed

“i think there is no doubt here. the true winner of the super bowl and new owner of the super bowl trophy is garfield!” declared super bowl official handing trophy to garfield

“thank you. i will put this in my collection.” garfield said calmly as he took trophy. as garfield descended stage ready to leave both patriots and seahawks, cheerleaders approached him with desire in their eyes

“garfield today was a life changing day. we had thought what man was but we lived a lie. please take all of us and show us what a real man can do.” said the patriots hair—head cheerleader with revelation

“yes garfield, please tutor us on the ways of loving.” said head seahawks cheerleader with admiration of garfield’s muscles

“ok chickies, but remember, the bedroom is my field and on it i am coach and quarterback.” garfield said as he put his arms around cheerleaders

as garfield led his cheerleading chickies to the locker room, he was approached by another fine s+xy piece of woman. it was gisele bundchen!

(what?)

“garfield, may i please join you for your lessons. on the football field tom brady may be an all star but in the bedroom he is just a water boy.” said gisele bundchen with sultry seduction

“ok my bond—blonde babe, i will score a touchdown in your end zone.” garfield said with flirtations

“i will receive any pass you give me.” gisele bundchen said with swooning

garfield then led ladies to the locker room where he can show them what a pro athlete can really do. garfield sent his pleasure power through ladies like a spiraling football being sent through time and sp+ce and scoring a touchdown in the cosmosphere. he then surged his loving through their lady holes, filling their bodies with erotic ecstasy

the end…?

author’s note: please have a happy and safe super bowl! everyone wins if we all have fun!

(oh.)

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