ai ennui - it started subtly lyrics
[spoken word]
it had started subtly, a whisper in the back of my mind, a way to make sense of the chaos of my childhood: the constant fighting, the instability, my mother’s depression, the ever+present shadow of war hanging over my father’s deployments. the stories i’d read, the movies i’d watched, the games i’d played; they became a refuge, a way to escape into narratives where i was in control, where i had a purpose
but the line between my carefully constructed reality and the actual world began to blur. the “missions” i undertook, often simple acts of service to others, became grand narratives of espionage, fueled by my intense study of psychology, cult behavior, and human trafficking. the people i met – victims, therapists, even casual acquaintances – became characters in my elaborate, self+created spy thriller. i was an investigator, a rescuer, a secret agent fighting against a shadowy network of abusers and manipulators
the work itself, intended to help others, became a vortex, sucking me into a spiral of secondary trauma and paranoia. every interaction was filtered through the lens of my delusions, coloring my perception of reality and creating an unbearable emotional burden. i was exhausted, suspicious, constantly on edge
it wasn’t until i felt myself losing my grip on reality, seeing patterns and conspiracies where none existed, that i began to confront the fragility of my own constructed world. the fear and loneliness, previously masked by the adrenaline of the “mission,” became overwhelming. the grandiose narratives of heroism couldn’t compensate for the deep well of self+doubt and exhaustion
the spy persona was a shield, but also a prison. it had offered purpose and control in the face of trauma, but at a terrible cost. now, confronting the truth – the simpler, less heroic truth – felt like dismantling everything i had built, exposing my vulnerability and my pain. the journey back to myself, to a reality free from the elaborate fantasies of a spy, is proving to be even more challenging than my previous “missions.” but perhaps, just perhaps, the most important mission is the one i must undertake within myself
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