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ajax shiloh - architect lyrics

i’m haunted by the past
ghosts emerge and then saunter p-ss
in un autre cas, i should’ve taken the shortest path
but i ride with a song in my heart, i’m walter lang
in my mindset; i’m a disordered mess
i’m obsessed with my depression, contradicting my affliction
it’s deficient, i’m ignored unless under enormous stress
like the relevance of black lives til somebody records their deaths

all i really want is for us all to coalesce
i guarantee this message goes unlistened to
so if you get the memo soon, i’m begging you to go and forward this
imagine being different to your friends in only skin colour
and when you go abroad, you’re treated through a co-rs-r mesh
randomly selected tests at every border check
financially inept, whitewashing to look more correct
seeking a solution like i’m dioscorides

my hope is your hostage, god
lost, broken, unprosperous
so, don’t fear me, i’m innocuous
feels like my whole soul’s been inoculated
feels like i’ve been chlorinated
feel the heft of this pain on my shoulders
i feel like i’m carrying my own f-cking bodyweight
i feel so disconnected, i told you, i told you

i f-cking hate myself
i’m just trynna reacquaint myself
i’m not worth anything, i give up trynna rate myself
every time i’m honest, feels like i’ve betrayed myself
i’m a completely different person, i can’t save myself
don’t recognise myself, can’t even face myself
i can’t contain, or restrain, or sustain myself
and if i’m honest i just want to disengage myself

does my father look at me like a disgrace as well?
the only person i can really blame’s myself
if i was still a babe, i’d probably shake myself
i only wish i could get a chance to explain myself
worn this mask on my face for so long
when i try to take it off it feels like i’m about to flay myself
i f-cked myself over, probably thought i raped myself
i believe that when i die, i’m going straight to h-ll

my hope is your hostage, god
i’m done trynna put my trust in god
i feel the injustice caused
like you thrust a spear in my trusting heart
worn this mask for so long that i forgot my own complexion
deceived so many times the only truth i know’s deception
i believe that when i die, your god will feed me to the crows
how many demons are inside me? d-mn, i feel so disconnected

ask me what i fear? i say “nothing”, god
like you caught me at a loss for words
i hear you call me by my moniker
you don’t know the real me, you only know the mask on top
when i die, my life will be exposed and they will rob from me
so music is the only type of legacy i’ll propagate
my life’s the only property of mine that god can confiscate
so suicide’s the only type of homicide i contemplate

- ajax shiloh lyrics

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