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alex horne & the horne section - the angry chef lyrics

they’re angry, they’re full of rage
they’re livid, incandescent, mad as h+ll
yes chefs are angry, they’re all irate
but if i was a chef, i’d be cross as well

they train for years, they never rest
just cook for hours and hours
weaving magic with their fingers
they’re blessed with superpowers
they plan meals with precision
they source the finest spices
they master pots and pans
and with their knives they make fine slices

but they’re all angry, yeah they’re apoplectic
bent out of shape, waspish and wild
yes chefs are angry, seething and sore
but if i was a chef, i’d also be riled

cause when they’ve finally got a job
after begging down on their knees
they’re working in a kitchen
making nice things out of cheese
they’re in that boiling sweatbox
ten hour shifts with little fuss
they finish off a dish with style
and send it out to us
and then we shove it in our gobs, we chuck it down our throats
all that work they’ve done for years we gobble it like goats
we shove it in our gobs and carry on our conversations
we barely notice what it is, we have no taste sensations
we chew it up and swallow it and squeeze the whole thing down
we spray it with our acid and we make it all go brown
we take their lovely artistry and squeeze it through our tubes
then mixed it up with stuff we had for lunch and loads of booze
we sh+t it and we sh+t it and we sh+t their hard work out
we flush their mush stuff in the bog and flush it down the spout
it goes into the sewers, all their masterpieces
we sh+t it out and flush it down with other peoples faeces

so yes i’d be angry, i’d also be aggrieved
i’d be furious, irascible, dyspeptic
oh i’d be outraged, i’d be piqued
i’d be hot under the collar, i’d be splenetic

so if i was a chef, i wouldn’t try to be gourmet
i’d be the chef that makes the food for the window display
my food would live forever
no one would ever eat it
no one would shove it into their gobs
and n0body would ever excrete it, ha

- alex horne the horne section lyrics

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