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(alex)slander - lackluster lyrics

i know i’m not a star but tonight i’m feeling lucky
so i figure if i rap enough somebody might f-ck me
wait, did i just say that out loud?
don’t mind the fantasy
just s-x driven infomercials leaking my reality
i’m exactly what i never wanted to be
a faceless undividual pushing the typical ritual
nah, that’s not me
i’d rather k!ll myself slowly to a dope beat
or blow my brains out across these looseleaf sheets
now watch me prove a point
but i’m not sure what it is yet
when i figure that out you’ll be the first one i hit back
like “who wants to watch me dismantle my mind like a puzzle
and get agitated as i attempt to reconnect the rubble
and if i dig deep to the bottom of my brain
i may find some truth that will help me escape
to a quiet serene place away from all the people
where i can sit down and ponder on how i really feel

(chorus)
just leave a name and number after the beep
i swear i’ll try to hit you back when i return to reality
save me a seat because i’m not sure where i’m supposed to be
been drifting around for years trying to live off this ability
and maybe she was right and i should f-cking quit
maybe he was right and n0body likes this sh-t
maybe i’m a grown man who gets paid to b-tch
makes me wonder why i even choose to spit
because sure i won’t front
it’s fun dancing in the stage light
but i’m not going to college just to have an unstable life
paycheck to paycheck until they check and realize
the kid and wife?
that was kind of a lie
ain’t no family, just me and the monster in my head
this time, i’m gonna bother him instead
reaching my arms through the bars of his cage
and strangling the b-st-rd until i know that he’s dead

because i’ve wandered for days just trying to find my pride
and hopefully somewhere along the way i might die
of dehydration or starvation
the point is that i forgot that i need
more than the will to live to stay alive
and it sucks
well f-ck it, better luck next time
and if not, that’s my fault for not taking my advice
but then again, who wants to listen to an infected reflection
when the question at hand is the perplexion i don’t understand
why when i stare into my own eyes do i not recognize
the disguise i have devised for my own divine demise
at this point in time are you still surprised to see me cry
remove your head from your -ss
and open up your f-cking eyes to see
we all make mistakes
but some are a little bit bigger than others
but that’s okay because they say
that every decision we make makes us us
i guess that’s why i’m so unimportant
because i never give a f-ck

(chorus)

and now i’m starring in his lifeless eyes
i know he’s mine
i could feel him for years
creeping through the f-cking ceilings of my feelings and fears
amplifying all my pain
making tomorrow feel as if it was a year away
like i know i can hang on but do i want to
give me something solid i can hang on to
give me something with a face and a name
that will be here tomorrow to help me cope with this pain
because i wandered for years until i found the right path
i cracked all the clues and i crunched all the math
i walked until my feet became bl–dy and scabbed
and when i got to the finish line i still came in last
everyone i’ve talked to just doesn’t seem to realize
this music is the only thing between me and my self despise
so i’m gonna keep avoiding suicide
and making music to a beat until the day that i die

(chorus)

- alexslander lyrics

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