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andrew rannells & josh gad - "that was the love ballad!" lyrics

[doug, spoken]
that was the love ballad!

[bud, spoken]
but doug, what is a love ballad?

[doug, spoken]
well, people like me and bud call a song like that the “i want” song
because helvetica wants gutenberg

[bud, spoken]
but the real question is:
does gutenberg know that?

[doug, spoken]
i don’t think so

[bud, spoken]
how could he not?

[doug, spoken]
but now it’s time to meet the bad guys
the town monk and his henchman, young monk!

[bud, spoken]
ooh! watch out! rrreow!
[doug, spoken]
scene three, the church on the hill
the roof is made of dirty thatch
in the corner, there is a large bible
and on this wall, there’s a vеlvet painting of jesus crying
monk, an evil man, who hatеs god

[bud, as monk, spoken]
dbhalahanha!

[doug, spoken]
is sitting at his desk, sharpening a pencil
he is very good at it

[bud, spoken]
his henchman, young monk, enters

[doug, as young monk, spoken]
monk, look!
i found a cat in the alley

[bud, as monk, spoken]
give him to me
ooh, pretty kitty!
i shall name you: satan
[doug, as young monk, opens the bible in the corner.]

[bud, as monk, spoken]
young monk
what are you doin’ over there by that bible?

[doug, as young monk, spoken]
oh, i’m just teaching myself how to read
in the bidgending—

[bud, as monk, spoken]
get him, satan!

[bud imitates satan, meowing.]

[doug, as young monk, spoken]
ahh! ah, ah, ah, ah!

[bud, as monk, spoken]
see what happens when you try to learn how to read?
now, let’s try this again:
young monk
what are you doin’ over there by that bible?

[doug, as young monk, spoken]
nothing!
[doug, as young monk, closes the bible.]

[bud, as monk, spoken]
that’s right
as long as i’m the monk
no one in this town is gonna learn to read
that way the bible says whatever i says it says!
unless, of course, someone were to make a machine

[satan meows loudly.]

[bud, as monk, spoken]
that prints books
and then printed up immense copies of the bible
and then distributed them to the masses!

[doug, as young monk, spoken]
you’re hurting satan!

[bud, as monk, spoken]
oh, no, no, no, no, no, no
i don’t wanna hurt satan
no, i love satan
yes, i do
i love satan
i love satan!

- andrew rannells josh gad lyrics

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