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andy samberg - i watched every show! lyrics

[intro: spoken]
(that was..)
(beautiful!)
did you guys see “game of thrones?”
(oh, when he died)
oh, yes
(oh my goodness)

[andy]:
i haven’t seen it yet

oh, how about “orange is the new black?”
(oh wow)
i’m addicted
(loved it)

[andy]:
i’ve+ i’ve been meaning to, i’m gonna catch up

maybe watching “mad men” though?
(ooh, girl)
(so great)

[andy]:
it’s on my dvr. i’m gonna see it
you seen “empire” right?

[andy]:
not yet

“transperent?”

[andy]:
no

(everyone started to say different shows at the same time)

[andy]:
stop!

[verse 1: andy samberg]
so many shows, and so little time
i’m just one man, how can i possibly keep up

[spoken:]
and now, i know what i must do

[pre+chorus:]
i locked myself away, cast myself aside
they treat me like a leper, and so the leper hides
and once i fullfilled my destiny, i shall return..
[chorus:]
i watched every show, every single episode
i’m all caught up and i feel superb
i watched every show!
networks, netflix, amazon
all it makes me nyarrh
i’m overjoyed ’cause my dvr says:
you watched every show!

[spoken interlude:]
hey jon hamm
i watched your show, “mad men.”
oh, andy
what’s the last time you showered?
would you believe over a year?
yes?
there was no shower toilet in my viewing bunker
gross
hey kerry washington!
quiz me about scandals
you smell like dog feces
more like human feces!
you’re a mess
maybe but–

i know everything that is to know about every single–
[spoken: nathan fillion & andy samberg]
have you seen “castle?”
uhh…

and now they’re gonna show that i don’t know
i’d said every show

“transparent?”
yes!
[?]
yes!
“orange is the new black?”
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
i even saw “grace of monoco”
i watched every show!
but at what cost?..

[verse 2:]
my life has passed me by
my son has grown to be young man
he doesn’t recognise my face..

[spoken: billy eichner, andy samberg & will forte]
papa?
i’m sorry
samberg!
you’re under arrest
javert!

you’ve broken the law
i don’t know what i’ve done
you’ve watched too many shows
i’m an innocent man
but your crimes against humanity
you’ll spend a life in chain
you’re insane
for there’s no law against watching tv
oh cr+p, you’re right
i love your beard!

[spoken:]
thanks, i like yours too
oh, thank you very much
alright, peace out!

[interlude:]
now i’m gonna run through all the shows
like billy crystal at the oscars!
oouh! ouuh!
oouh, oouh!
oouh! oouh!
hi! oouh!
hi+hi, ooh+oouh!
here’s what’s better

[verse 3:]
you may have seen the eiffel tower
or the mighty sphinx
but i saw robert durst confessed
to murder in “the jinx.”

[spoken:]
pardon me sir, we’re trying to find a host for this year’s emmy awards
what shows have you seen?

[bridge:]
i watched..
orange is the new black, better call saul
downton abbey
veep, wolf hall
mad men, louie
game of thrones
homeland, mom
broad city, bones
key & peele, modern family
parks and recreation, silicon valley
empire, how to get away from murder
black+ish, inside amy schumer
house of cards, houdini, flash
last man on earth, reruns of m+a+s+h
p+wn stars, the daily show
cajun p+wn stars, tosh.o
the bachelorette, stephen colbert
snl, what not to wear
wife swap, private lifes of nashville wives, army wives
prison wives, trophy wife
basketball wives, mob wives
sister wives, good wife
wives with knives, real housewives
and 40 more shows about wives!

[spoken:]
alright kid, you’ve got the gig
now get out there and tell some culturally relevant
but not too edgy jokes!

[outro: andy samberg]
it’s time for the emmys and my resume’s postin’
and i’m the only one qualified to be hostin’
’cause i’ve done watched every d+mn show
and i’m white!

- andy samberg lyrics

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