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anthony jeselnik - offensive lyrics

now you guys have been a great crowd tonight, but you’ve just been sitting there, thinking to yourself anthony this has all been well and good, but where are your offensive jokes? where are your show stoppers? well, guys, i saved those for the end. i’m going to tell you a series of jokes right now, that is going to get increasingly more offensive. i like that enthusiasm. let’s see how far it carries. they say it’s easy, it’s easy to make fun of r+t+rded people. but let me tell you guys, it is not, you have really got to explain it to them. that was the first one. every night my girlfriend comes home, she brings home a brand new houseplant, she says anthony we need a houseplant, and every night i make her return it immediately. i say no way baby, you can’t take care of a houseplant, you couldn’t even keep your baby alive. two for two huh? we just, we just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy. which is very serious ya know, but still i feel like my parents are overreaching, they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. i feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes, and that’s alright not everybody has a great sense of humor. you guys would probably love my little nephew, he’s so cute, i talk to him every day on the phone, he’s unbelievable, he’s got like the greatest commendation ever. he’s either going to be like a great artist someday, oh he really did get molested. i wasn’t even laughing about that one, i was thinking about what’s coming. i feel like i need to say, i really need to say this like one of the thought jobs in the world, like literally right below comedians. so to me, if a mother doe her best, then in my book she’s a good mom, now my mom did her very best, but unfortunately, she was also a terrible person, this is tur,e my mom for most of her life, was a holocaust denier. it means she couldn’t believe the holocaust happened. it was terrible for the entire family to deal with. and we had a rabbi come into the home, had her go through a complete history of the jewish people, and had her watch schindler’s list. and after that my mom did a complete 180, now she can’t believe it only happened once. glad you guys enjoy that one. because my mom was also really racists too. like when i was a kid, thought it was a good idea to try to convince me that santa claus was black, so then that way when i eventually found out he didn’t exist it wouldn’t be that big a letdown

- anthony jeselnik lyrics

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