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anthony jeselnik - shut the fuck up lyrics

now this is the ideal time to you guys i love to meet fans after the show. i like when people come up and say anthony you’re a g+nius, anthony best show i’ve ever seen. and that’s it. i don’t ever want to hear anything else. anthony you got a bonen to pick with me over something i said tonight, instead you should just shut the f+ck up. but seriously, i know more about comedy than you do, and you came to see me. like i said, shut the f+ck up. but still, even after i said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and b+tch, well i’ll be as polite as i can possibly be. however++ it is ill advised. because you will end up as a joke in my act, much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in seattle. he got up and said anthony anthony! why didn’t you tell any blind jokes tonight, i came here to hear blind jokes tonight! well here is a blind joke. another good one for me was the lesbian in portland, who ran up after a show and i know she was a lesbian, becuase she ran up and said “anthoy i’m a lesiban, but you’re just lucky you didn’t make any lesbian jokes tonight, cause i would have gotten really mad if you had made any lesbian jokes tonight,” and i wanted to say hey, do you realize that makes you a terrible person? and that you have no sense of humor plus your an idoit, if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed up things i joke about, but you would have gotten upset if i had made up of you or something you care about and i was gonna say all that, but then i remembered anthony, she’s a lesbian, she knows. my second favorite post sohw interaction was in boston, years ago, very drunk girl, always very drunk, she screams out, you should never make fun of hte holocaust, and i say back why? you know just to be a d+ck, and she screams back, because i lost family in the holocaust, and i said, well you don’t look jewish. and she said listen assh0l+, certain lines your not suppose to cross. certain boundaries your not suppose push. and i said hey hey, i just gave you a compliment. but my favorite, the most unbeatable, never going to happen again, post+show interaction of all time, just about a year ago, i was performing in orlando florida, home of casey anthony. and this is right after trail. immediately after the trailer. i said, hey guy si don’t get what the big deal is here, of course, casey anthony is innocent. she’s guilty of anything; it’s k!lling her baby. now after the show, i’m taking pictures, signing tits, you know how it is. and a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking very upset. he said you need to do me a favor, which is a terrible way to start. and he said you need to never tell another casey anthony joke again. and i said why, you know cause i’m a d+ck. and he says, i’ll never forget this, and he says because her daughter kailie anthony is my niece, and i said bullsh+t. at which point he takes out his phone, pulls out a picture of him holding little kaylie anthony, in happier times of course. and he says, see, see you son of a b+tch. and i said no, i believe you. i just mean she was your niece

- anthony jeselnik lyrics

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