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arseless chaps - pushed off or stabbed off lyrics

[intro: damian cowell & tony martin]
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
[verse 1: tony martin]
it’s the early 90s and i’m working in a comedy club in carlton
blokes telling jokes about their d+cks and how it’s too bright in 7/11
everyone trying to k!ll
and one night, someone does
for real

[chorus: damian cowell & tony martin]
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)
what’s it gonna be? (what’s it gonna be?)

[verse 2: tony martin]
i arrived to find the line of punters trying to get to the box office having to detour round an unsuccessfully expunged blood stain, jackson pollock+ed into the shape of a man who had apparently plummeted from the mezzanine
backstage, i find the other comics being addressed by a man who looks exactly like guy who will later play him in the tv series underbelly
he says: “gentleman, perhaps you’ve heard about the man who was found dead at the bottom of the escalators last night?”
i’d seen the story of the front of the herald sun
the mans crumpled, pixelated form dwarfed by the words “go, harvey norman, go!”
“it seems he fell from the mezzanine, and the management would prefer that none of the comedians make mention of this unfortunate event, because at this stage
we do not know
if he was pushed off
or stabbed off.”
[bridge: damian cowell]
don’t waste a [?] to me
what kind of god invents mnd
you might get a nice long eulogy
but some pr+ck will send you off with bohemian rhapsody
i got shafted and the ceo
misspelt my name on the staff memo
no matter how you preen your ego
you can’t take it with you when you go

[verse 3: tony martin]
that night, with management’s somewhat chilling words ringing in their ears
each of the six comedians responded as comedians are won’t to do
they found increasingly baroque ways to crowbar the words “pushed off or stabbed off” into their routines
rising to the challenge, i arrived on stage belting out the words in time to the theme from ‘i dream of jeannie’

[chorus: damian cowell]
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be?
f+ck i’m dead
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
pushed off
pushed off or stabbed off
what’s it gonna be?
f+ck i’m dead
[verse 4: tony martin]
later that week, one of the comics stepped out of the lift in the building’s underground car park to find his car reduced to a blacked but still smoking chassis
what had happened? how did no+one see anything?
there was a security camera, but oddly, the vhs machine recording it upstairs had fallen from its shelf and smashed
some said it was pushed off
others had a different idea

- arseless chaps lyrics

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