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beardfish - ...and terry takes the christmas route lyrics

run, scurry up the stairs
they’re waiting for you, terry – you cannot be late
mother is in tears, since father has gone astray
he’s not healthy, in his mind, in his body, he’s fading away
he thinks he’s father christmas, or santa, if you will
that elfs are in his room, waiting for this day
and there he sits so silent, polishing his invisible sled
“terry, can you see it?” he says, and then he drops dead…

as his mother cries out in sorrow, terry sees a light, it’s forming now, oh an elf, there’s a reindeer. suddenly a sound, thunder from below, there stands the sled, it’s glowing red, a voice is calling out:

“terry! your father’s duty must p-ss on to you
there are children waiting for the joy of christmas, yes it’s true”
“god, is that you?” asks terry, the voice laughs out so loud the chimney breaks
“no, now off you go, get in that sled, you’ve got a long night ahead”

terry hugs his mom, she doesn’t understand
she can see the sled now, the reindeers on a leash in terry’s hand
he screams out “away”, but nothing happens, not a thing
she says “try ho-ho-ho”, and oh yes, through the broken chimney off they go!

meanwhile, the man with the loud voice is pleased, his plan has worked once more
“oh, my glorious plan, bring them presents, keep them in my hand
during christmas i can do my evil dance
then easter comes along, and i’ll drop the bomb on france
as long as they’re fed and happy and fat
i can get away with what i want, ha ha ha!!!”

terry’s in his sled, riding through the sky, he’s wondering:
“why are the reindeers making noises like an airplane engine?
well now, nevermind, they seem to know which way we’re going
i got the presents here, i think we’re about to make a stop”
they land on the roof of a house in the suburbs
terry takes a bunch of gifts and jumps down in the chimney

“oh, father christmas must be proud of me”
he lays out the presents underneath the christmas tree

terry hears a voice again, mumbling, it’s not the same as before
it sounds like his dad, he’s talking from the sleds speakerphone
“hi dad, how is heaven? is it like they always said?”
“terry, you stupid kid, come home again, coz i’m not dead!”
“oh really?!? ok, but i don’t know how to steer this thing
the reindeers seem to have the route planned out, i can’t do a thing.”
“listen closely, there’s a shotgun in the wooden box behind you, got it?
just shoot the reindeer in the front, the ugly one named rudolf with the glowing red nose
then it’s like driving a car, except you’ll be in the air, alright?”
he nods, them picks up the gun and blasts rudolf to kingdom come

“but, dad… isn’t it a good thing i’m doing here, bringing joy to children everywhere?”
“i thought so too, but i figured out that the man behind christmas is an evil fiend!
he uses the joy of christmas to lure us into turning our eyes away
and meanwhile he does his evil things and… we’ll nevermind, just be on your way!”

he flies off and sees something in the distant sky
a big ship of some kind, shaped like a big christmas tree
the voice of the evil man, screams out in the speakerphone:
“i heard everything, now it’s time to meet your doom!”
a big bad laser beam, misses terry by an inch
he aims his rifle and shoots the giant christmas tree!
“all gifts once again shall be given out of good!”
terry fire once more, “now is it understood?”
the evil g*nius screams as he plummets to his death
into the lake below, “down, down, down you go!”
“noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”

“terry, you’ve saved christmas for us all!
once again, it’s just a holiday…”
his mom and dad cry tears of happiness, over the speakerphone!

(and then rudolf comes to life, possessed by a demon, his eyes are glowing red
and he bites off terry’s head and the godd-mn sled falls into the ocean as well…)

- beardfish lyrics

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