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ben visini - jew haikus lyrics

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[lyrics stolen from ben visini’s bandcamp]

lemme walk you through
how to do a jew haiku
show you how it’s done

it is a haiku
but about being jewish
that’s + pretty much it

let’s get it started
like the red sea i part it
never halfhearted

spitting out fire
now i got a burning bush
and i don’t mean kush

the 10 commandments
gonna bust ’em out right now
god made you free + nice

no god but this one
never use the name in vain
sabbath is holy
honor mom and dad
k!lling is a big no+no
no adultery

you can never steal
do not be a false witness
don’t f+ck your neighbor

so much in common
the torah is a manga
goes from right to left

haikus and the jews
fit just like bagels and lox
like guilt and…more guilt

gefilte fishing
for some of these lines to work
some can get tilted

if i were a rich
man, na na na na na na
na na na batman!

yes i am aware
that one was lazy as h+ll
i needed one more
bar mitzvah story
i was 13 and a man
with one facial hair

synagogue showdown
show the other kids in class
that i came prepared

i cannot read this
i could use a little help
where are the vowels?

a minor foul
suddenly remembering
what i need to say

it’s the haftarah
barach atta ad+oh sh+t
that was the wrong prayer

skip to the party
got to drink a little wine
thank you abraham

got raised in the chair
i am not afraid of heights
wait, no + yes i am
thinking of bubbe
she wants to give me a hug
she reeks of perfume

old people saying
“i’m so proud of what you’ve done!”
i do not know you

this is so awkward
they give me an envelope
it’s a fat check + oooo

that’s enough stories
time to do what i do best
and that is s+x jokes

forget the goy boys
i could be your best boy toy
synagogue’d and gagged

i could be gentile
but i’m not a gentile
making you smile

it’s rosh hashanah
and i wanna get on ya
happy new jew year

if you wanna go
we’ll be f+cking for six days
rest on the seventh

want some mood music?
i’ll blast hava nagila
when i feel ya

harder than matzoh
lots of things that i just said
make me wanna stop

- ben visini lyrics

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