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benjamin lerner - alive when i die lyrics

[verse:]
it feels like i already died in my mind
f#ck living, i just wanna get high
i can’t even look my mom in her eyes
now my friends all say i constantly lie
what’s the point of even wanting to try
i’m just trying to survive
feeling like i gotta constantly hide
but when the needle hits my vein i’m alive
talk to god and he’s kind
all the levels of my conscious align
take the pain and push it all to the side
there’s a comforting pause
where all the misery and suffering dissolves
makes me feel like there ain’t nothing that’s wrong
i can live with myself
i can bathe in self#forgiveness and melt
forget about how i been lately stuck livin’ in h#ll
forget about the tears my family cries
forget about the dirty hopeless way i’m living that they have to deny
forget about all of my cash and my pride
how they both are gone
f#ck it, nothing really matters after i die
everything is a game
today, i had to cop a fix in the rain
had to give my dealer nickels and change
he looked at me like a b#tch and a lame
went home, boiled the water
dropped the cotton in the mixture and strained
took me twenty minutes hittin’ my vein
p#wned my phone, got some more money
then i went and did it again
i’ve been stuck in a loop
i don’t ever wanna deal with the truth
i don’t wanna feel what feelings can do
i just wanna feel the peace and the quiet
i don’t wanna desire
i just wanna f#ckin’ sleep and be tired
i only ever feel alive when i’m high
so if getting high is k!lling me, i only feel alive when i die

- benjamin lerner lyrics

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