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benjamin lerner - performer lyrics

[verse:]
i’m a performer – the world is a stage
every conversation i have, every word that i say
pre#rehe#rs#d inside my mind, while i purposefully try
to get approval from outside it’s an absurd little game
i was conditioned from a young age to performing on command
so i’m always trying to prove that i’m way smarter than i am
when i was barely speaking words and counting on my hands
my father taught me concepts that were hard to understand
i wanted to be seen as someone special and unusual
the steps i missed in my mental development were crucial
when i was in my adolescence feeling free and youthful
i had to go to dinner parties i was introduced to
lots of aging hippie baby boomers chewing metamucil
who were five times older than i was and if i’m being truthful
i was scared. intimidated. but while disintegrating
on the inside, outside my eloquence was scintillating
but i was only recycling concepts and imitating
other people i had listened to who gave me inspiration
i learned to be a mimic, a cynic, a critic
an actor, a faker, a parrot, a gimmick
people told me i was smart, which made me arrogant and giddy
but inside i still felt empty, sad, and terrible and sh#tty
and when i started winning some piano compet#tions
my family started pressuring, vicariously living
i was performing more ways than one and spinning
out of control my mental health deteriorated quickly
and i was under pressure and performing every minute
played the role of tortured prodigy, and i got lost within it
and long before i ever had a drink, i was addicted
to the rush i got from knowing people thought that i was gifted
and growing up with asperger’s, the social isolation
made me use my set of acting sk!lls when i was tired of waiting
as a spectator on the side. i used to perform with pride
studied social customs. then abandoned all of mine
learned to play a bunch of roles and switch up all the time
this created ident#ty split and blurred distorted lines
i didn’t even remember who i was inside
that’s the consequence when you’re performing all the f#ckin’ time
i was playing different characters to run and hide
dealing with emotions hot and cold, winter summertime
pressure makes diamonds, but makes you lose your mind as well
i was a barely formed child trying to find himself
i was broken inside with a shiny sh#ll
hid behind a beaming smile stuck inside a private h#ll

- benjamin lerner lyrics

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