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big con - troubled and tourmented slut lyrics

troubled and tormented
you are now listening to the journal of an evil g*nius
my name’s connor smith;
and this is my journal:

[verse 1]
somebody better tell my mother that i don’t think i can stay undercover
’cause i feel like a serial k!ller who’s just being nice for the sake of a dollar
i just want more money than sense, so i don’t care if i get silly when i come up
i had a feeling that i couldn’t fly when i jumped, but i still took a run up
i had a dream i committed, jumped off the ledge, woke up and i was falling
i looked round my bedroom, realised that it was a dream and i fell asleep balling
’cause i had to admit to myself that i’ve not got the b-lls so i gotta’ keep moving
i feel like the devil is troubling me right now and i can’t stop listening
so then i looked for the lord, help me
all i could hear was laughter
feels like the last two years of my life have turned out to be a disaster
did you think i was walking to school in the cold just become a grafter?
there isn’t a bafta for the roadside guy that is the wickedest actor
so i keep it real
and there’s a guy that i love, but i cannot commit to it
little does he know, i feel like k!lling his dad in my head i can picture it
blood where the family picture is, just one of them unsolved mysteries
and now he’s crying into my shoulder asking ‘whys my dad on the missing list?’
[chorus 1]
i zone out to sometimes thinking when i write this
i was depressed, so i had a lot on my chest and a colourful hit list
i remember the door coming off and the police shouting, “everybody get down”
i lost three grand that day and it felt like i lost three million pound

[verse 2]
deeper into depression
what a terrible place, i don’t wish it on no one
it’s like my writing came to a standstill, full stop and semi-colon
i wrote about nightmares, late one sat-rday with my eyes wide open
‘cus i was sick of chilling with freddy krueger
deciding who’s gonna’ rolled on
i was wrestling with a demon, rikishi couldn’t go this, this hard
e. honda couldn’t win this fight ’cause the first round left me emotionally scarred
to the point, i was scared of the dark, went to church on sunday hand on my heart
and when i realised dee wasn’t in it for the long run it just tore me apart
so i took a long walk in the park, somebody tell me where the end is
i shoulda’ gone spec savers, ‘cus right now i can’t see who my friend is
darkee said i was gonna’ be lonely, tell him that danny bent is a battyhole
and you know for a fact that they owed me, would’ve thrown him through the gl-ss on the patio

[verse 3]
i woke up to fifteen missed calls and twenty-five messages on my samsung
i was in panacea the night before so my head was spinning like a cyclone
the next morning i was a right-off, so i opened one eye like a cyclops
i just thought to myself, “oh my gosh”
i remember chilling in my bedroom listening to ed sheeran on the laptop
i’m only twelve or thirteen stone and i make man sleep with a left hook
this is the journal of an evil g*nius
that’s why i say i “turn into the devil”, don’t think that was a mistake
when arnold schwarzenegger was terminator he couldn’t do this mate
[bridge]
right now your gonna hear about one of my nightmares i see them often but not always when i am sleeping but here goes nothin

[verse 4]
last night i was wrestling with a demon for questioning my talent
for tellin me i’m lonely so i’ll never find the balance
i told him all i need is the lord and my family
he said, “where’s your family now can’t you see you’ve been abandoned”
so then i started questioning the mindset i was lost in
and looked for the lord but i swear he wasn’t watching
so now i’m all alone in this room with this demon
and i’m fighting for my soul, still, i’m questioning the reason

[verse 5]
next thing you know he brought up the garden of eden
don’t you know it’s women that started all this deceiving?
they knew the apple was forbidden, still, they started eating
do you know your verses, have you been doing your reading?
and i was like yeah, one or two chapters
then i shouted out for jesus still the demon wasn’t leaving
so i grabbed him in a headlock and threw him to the floor
he said, “silly little human let me make you feel the force!”
in one almighty blast, i got thrown into the door
grabbing on my ribs ’cause i swear that i broke four
questioning women, showing no remorse
could this be all my mother’s fault?
he just said, “of course”
i looked up at the demon, i said, “tell me your name”
he said, “that is irrelevant but i feel your pain, i’m saying we are similar”
with the last of my strength, i just lashed him with a table
at the time it made sense
[verse 6]
but what a mistake that’s how you know he wasn’t human
the table broke behind him and the demon started changing
horns started emerging and his skin was just crawling
i couldn’t see his face because the lighting was appalling
then he said, “don’t question what you couldn’t handle little mortal
i must apologise if you think i’m a bad dream
i am here to question why you’re going round in circles
do you ever wonder why you never get to sleep?
don’t worry human very soon you’ll understand
forget about me, this is all about you”
and that was it then the demon disappeared
and i was left sweating nearly crying in fear
now this is the epitome of blood sweat and tears
and i don’t know about you but i can feel it in the air

[verse 7]
when the night takes over
and the light’s no longer
and rain continues to fall
that’s when demons roll
question your soul
will you stay strong, strong?
strong strong strong
will you stay strong?

[bridge]
i went to therapy, to try and cure i had to talk about my childhood and my family it tore me apart but so did this so f-ck it

[verse 8]
smiles, laughter, good times
family, friends, no ties
wild, young
and i’m about to take you back deeper than i can remember
let me start with the smiles, the laughter, the good times
with the family, the friends and the no ties
she was wild, young but that was all about to change
because she had responsibility now
she had a life in her tummy, i’m talkin’ ’bout my mummy
daddy seen us as a meal ticket din’ he
well she replaced him like a real women should’ve done
and everything for her child like a real women could
and i was born on the fourth of the tenth 2001
she told me that she’d never seen anything like me
i bet she didn’t know i’d hold her back tight
given birth to a soldier that will always fight for her
now let me take you to my childhood and i remember feeling real good i didn’t know the noughties were full of gangsters and the ghetto was established and were talking ‘bout the real hood
i just remember sitting in that living room
and for as long as i could hold a pen i was drawing
for as long as i could see i dream i had visions of a city that was sparkling
[verse 9]
we were falling from the start
bleeding from the heart
and i believed in you from day, oh
now i’m reaching for the stars
holding on to mars
because of you today, oh
we were falling from the start
bleeding from the heart
and i believed in you from day, oh
now i’m reaching for the stars
holding on to mars
because of you today

[verse 10]
yeah drama, stress, no dough
tears, pain, so broke; lost, child
and i’m about to take you back to the place that i’m just tryna forget
with the drama, the stress and the no dough
and the tears, the pain, so broke; lost, child
but that was all about to change cos i was growing up
defended for myself look
i had a step daddy right but yin and yang hasn’t always been black and white ‘cause i could remember occasions where we would have a fight and i would run away, sit down and look at the sky questioning my worth, am i a mistake? ‘cause my was still a teen, when i came out
does it mean it’s fate? that i end up on the street
bottle at my feet questioning, where i’m gonna sleep
and how i’m gonna eat?
h-ll no
lemme tell you how it’s gonna be
i’m the priest of my own religion
i can only preach what i know
and what i’ve seen i can tell the streets
every story from my journal i’m just still tryna compete
with the lows, the peak when your tryna find your feet
and your future looks so bleak you turn to the streets and the roads
my mummy tried her best and ignored the side effects
’cause the struggle taught me all that i know
[verse 11]
we were falling from the start
bleeding from the heart
and i believed in you from day, oh
now i’m reaching for the stars
holding on to mars
because of you today, oh
we were falling from the start
bleeding from the heart
and i believed in you from day, oh
now i’m reaching for the stars
holding on to mars
because of you today

[bridge]
as a kid i remember playing computer games and getting as a high as a kite one of my favourite games was vice city but it gave me a sick mentality
[verse 12]
and when i look back sh-t’s changed
i remember sitting playing my computer games
vice city had me feeling i could rob a bank
and drag a man out of his car with my bare hands marijuana had me sitting on the clouds so my perception was funny i m not saying i was proud
to have a name in the bits
before i ever had a scar
i made a car go sick, before i ever took my test

[verse 13]
year nine, we had a nine
it wasn’t mine
ped held up a shizzer and got time
a year down the line
i’m in a good position
the hood knows i’m a banger so i started getting high
and ped got out of jail
i looked him in his eye
and i could tell that wasn’t my guy, it made me wanna cry
he made me feel little
for him i woulda died
but from the day he dissed me i just wasn’t on his side
so i tried to stop blazing and strengthen my mind
i just wished that kenz woulda stayed on my side
then come a stroke of luck
i’m sitting in the dock
my vice city mentality had f-cked me up
and now they’re tryna lock me up
my mummy left the station crying so i’m looking at the man that brought me up
no we’re not the same blood
i love him like a dad
and even though i diss him he’s the only thing i had
so i just hope that he forgives me for the violence
i was in a bad place
seen the devil a couple times
starred death in the face
i remember sitting in that sweatbox, feeling out of place
while everybody’s shouting, i was picturing my mum’s face
then we arrived at that cell
the atmosphere was different
i was only fourteen, in a terrible position
and you wonder why, i’ve got a defensive mechanism
listen, i don’t condone any of my past
all i know is i was young and living fast
four months down the line, i had the wing on smash
’cause i put on a size, no sign of a moustache
and then they let me out
a few days later
cuh my future looked bright but the sky was grey
hah, trust my mummy to be twenty minutes late
i’ve just been released, left hanging at the station gates
and then they pulled up
my little sister jumped out
mummy got emotional
we hugged for like five whole minutes
on the road home, i was feeling stone cold
’cause i had a vendetta
i’m talking an unfinished business
i’m a road guy now
hah, i’m certified
done custody, represented, held down the bits
i never sold mine out
but i’m about to set the pace
and you could see it in my face i was alone guy now
look, i hit the road, fourteen with a vision
even though i’m still a teen, i’m like a man upon a mission
told my marjay i’m about to use my intuition
i told kenz i’m about to try and make a million
it’s a new day, and jail’s just a thing of the past
ped was chilling with kenz they was moving kinda fast
kenz had the gold chopper, ped had the same design
and i was sitting in that bedroom thinking when am i getting mine
then me and ped had an altercation and i swear he could see it in my face
i watched him run a mile, no one’s taking my place
that’s a vendetta settled now i’m in a better place so i started hitting gym, and i was h-tting those bags plus i am moving like deontay ‘cause i wanted to be him i wasn’t bobbin’ and weavin’,but left couple man bleeding but i lost determination when my coach ended up leaving so i’m back on the streets
eighteen with ten grand cash, four grafters
and these times i had a moustache
and i’m big now, and in my mind i’d completed the game
i had the car, the superbike, the bracelet and the chain
but then i slowed down, how much money roll out
couple n-gg-‘s sold out, i was moving slow, now
i’m sitting in my bedroom with the curtains closed just feeling depressed i wrote this just to get sh-t off my chest
[verse 14] and when i look back sh-t’s changed
i remember sitting playing my computer games
vice city had me feeling i could rob a bank
and drag a man out of his car with my bare hands marijuana had me sitting on the clouds so my perception was funny i m not saying i was proud
to have a name in the bits
before i ever had a scar
i made a car go sick, before i ever took my test
[bridge] yeh i ain’t gonna lie my teens weren’t always that bad but for every good day, there were like 5 bad but what ever happened i made everybody listen
[verse 15]
now they could tell that i was different
when i stepped up out that bedroom i made everybody listen
and i swear, i was like 7 in some dungarees
i hyped up telling everyone to look at me
now i would have the worst nightmares i be shoutin’ for my mum and i would wake up and there’s n-body there
does anyone remember me? am i even a part of this family?
it’s the drama that kept me alive, loneliness gave me a home
the roads gave me a name now i’m big con
and imma rep big until my face is in the books but i could p-ss away tomorrow
i bet no one even checks if i’m there
i’m not popular i’m just well known, do i enjoy this at all? h-ll no
but i’m just so driven by the legacy that imma make it rain until everybody remembers me
[verse 16] they don’t know that i’m there, i’m the rainmaker tell me if you see me when the rain dries up
no they don’t love me i swear, i’m the rainmaker
tell me if you see me now

[verse 17]
now they could tell that i was different when i got shipped out of that cell for causing a demolition
sittin’ in that sweatbox reminiscin’ i remember ‘avin a vision a real premonition
now i’m not martin luther but i had a dream
and in this vision i was a king
and i remember living real clean i didn’t have to steal or deal with the fiends
forget about the joker f-ck bane imma villain to this game and they will remember my name
i’ll make it rain, tell ’em i’ll make it rain, tell ’em i’ll make it rain, tell ’em i’ll make it rain
forget about the joker f-ck bane imma villain to this game and they will remember my name
i’ll make it rain, tell ’em i’ll make it rain, tell ’em i’ll make it rain [bridge] see as a kid i was kinda bright but still a little sh-t my teachers gave me name, something i still rep today they said smart bad kids were always the worst but i was the evil g*nius
[verse 18] now i’m that connor smith
life can get colourful in the daytime
b-tches always trying to catch me slipping on the facetime
4 years deep, so i never let it phase me
now i don’t want to whipe my babies i just heard that through grapevine
i keep pretty ones around for when it’s playtime
dad always told me to never be a goldmine
now they want to take a picture in my tshirts to get back at their ex boyfriend now that’s a straight crime
now your listening to the newest kind of crook
catch me listening to brotherlynch chonged, baging up
i’m done f-cking with the white and green, i know the truth hurts who knew i could make money watching movies i watched scarface new jack city and k!ll bill reminiscing, still swigging alize blue this is the, journal of an evil g*nius part one
i’d love to be a n-body but now i’m too far gone
they used to laugh now they want smash we be on building up that empire don sh-t
i’ve fallen out with friends that i’ve been friends with the longest
and anybody f-cking with the team or questioning my legacy
i guarantee i knock them unconscious now catch me on a late night listening to french montana rolling in the p-ssy cause i’m banned cutting through the manor
i remember having no clothes and being blackouted
but since i got legal dough the wardrobes packed out its like i see the whole world in black and white i’m not the joker but you can catch me on a dark night

- big con lyrics

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