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black books (tv show) - the big lock-out lyrics

theme music
(lisps) you reckon they got in
through the back?
yeah, so we reckon
it was drug addicts
right. yeah, they took
all the drugs
yeah, we had a whole
packet of beecham’s
a bottle of night nurse
it’s all gone
doesn’t surprise me. from
where i’m standing, there are…
..145 points of entry
into this shop
are there?
yeah, try and keep me out
alright
you see?
that’s why you need this
normally i’m asked to install
this system in zoos
the glass is soundproof
why do you need soundproofing
in zoos?
well, otherwise the kids start
calling the lions ‘pr+cks’
oh, right
it’s a very good system
you know the cia?
yeah
they don’t use this system. they’d
probably use something a lot better
oh, right, right, yeah. wow
yeah, ’cause i read something
about the cia
you know, they’ve apparently got
this stationery, right
looks perfectly normal
but when you write on it
it dissolves
no, that’s b+ll+cks
right, so it’s pretty simple
when you’re going out
just press 05 for on
and to disarm
just press 3369885421…
(continues silently)
..3999
you listening to me or what? what?
yeah…uh, yeah
do you want me
to go through it again?
uh…no, that’s fine
hi, bernard! the alarm system’s on
it prevents the door from being
opened unless you put in the code
it makes it more secure
uh…the glass is soundproofed
oh, right
the glass is soundproofed
the thicker glass…
you know what you are? you’re a beard
with an idiot hanging off it
yeah
beeping, hissing, alarms
well, here i am
listen, your friend here’s got
all the details, so i’ll be off
but certainly remember
the three s’s
the three s’s?
yeah + security, security
security + three s’s
oh, i’m sorry
i didn’t get what you were saying
because of your amazing lisp
sorry, sorry
so, what did you tell them?
they got in through the back?
yes. yeah, it wouldn’t do
to let them know we went out
and you left the front door open
would it?
yeah, but what sort of world is it
where you can’t go away
and leave the front door open
without getting robbed?
it’s this sort of world, gandalf
alright, this is the main lock
you arm it by pressing 05
phone rings
hang on
h+llo? yes, no
i am going to pay that bill
i am…yes, i know
yep…no, i…yep…
excuse me, could you…
hang on…sorry…yes…
oh, you agree completely with
everything i’m saying?
that’s terrific. thank you, ‘bye
how much for these?
40 pounds
they’re worth more than that!
these are good hardbacks +
tolstoy…
i know, i know, i know
but i don’t want them
i mean, i’ll have to price them then
and put them up on the shelves
and store them
and people will come in
and ask about them
and buy them and read them and
come back and sell them you know
and the whole hideous cycle will just
go on and on and on and on, you know?
just please, take them away
go away, no
it won’t work. here, look, here
here’s 40 quid
just take them away, please
i got it!
ah+ha!
give, give, give
oh, my god!
what?
it’s howell. howell granger
i was at college with him
well, go and say h+llo
no, don’t. no, don’t
he confuses me
what?
he confuses me
he’s… he’s a total +rs+hole…
..but he’s got this voice
and it just does things to me
(husky voice) fran?
my god, what are you doing here?
howell…h+llo!
i…have a shop
i mean, i work next door. oh
how…how are you?
oh, i’m great, you know
still beavering away on radio 4
(chuckles) yeah
hey, you look fran+tastic
you sound well. oh, thank you
well, i hope so. i’m doing
the shipping forecast this evening
that’s…good
well, i suppose i’d better
shuffle off before i buy something
i’m voracious at the moment, fran
i seem to be swallowing books whole
lilting romantic music rises
seem to be devouring them
i’m ravenous. anyway…
record scratches
here’s my number, should you wish
to give me a tingle
(babbles)
goodbye
arrivederci, francesca
hey, genghis…
it’s your cinema night tonight
isn’t it?
yeah. i’m going to see
‘armapocalypse’
do you want to come?
you know i don’t think i will, no
fran and i are meeting for drinks
aren’t we, fran?
shipping…
trying something new + absinthe
you know that one?
you know the slogan
‘the drink that makes you
want to k!ll yourself instantly’?
looking forward to that eh, fran?
forecast… ha+ha! that’s right
do you think i should wash my beard?
i think you should wash it, yeah
and shave it off
nail it to a frisbee
and fling it over a rainbow
alright, what was the last film
you went to see?
uh…oh, that one, you know
the astronauts…
what, ‘armageddon’?
no, no, before that
you know the one, at the end he goes
“you did it, you finally did it,”
and then you see the
statue of liberty on the beach
that was the last film you’ve
ever seen, ‘planet of the apes’?
yeah. amazing effects, you know?
you really believed
monkeys could have meetings
yeah. and you’ve not been
to the cinema since then?
no, it’s all tossyc+ck
yeah, but it’s better than staying
in and getting mashed every night
with no company except the dead bees
on the windowsill
i like the dead bees
on the windowsill!
at least they don’t go out
and leave the front door open
and get us robbed!
don’t get judgey with me
ming the merciless
listen, show, what’s the story
with this alarm thing, anyway?
how does it work? what do you do?
right, now…
you press, what is it, 05 to arm it?
yes. you press 05, and then you
go out and it’ll lock automatically
alright, ok
and then when you come back in
you punch in the code
and the lock will open
first question + when i come in? yes
after i come in? yes
but how do i get in
through the locked door?
ah! well, you see
that’s the clever thing
oh, right, yeah…
uh…could you repeat the question?
i’m outside. yep
the door is locked. right
the keypad is inside, so how can i
possibly get into the building?
my fault. yeah, yeah, i see
uh…um… yeah…
uh…the code!
thank you for that
sorry to bring this up again +
how do i get in?
the code opens the door!
i know the code opens the door!
but how do i get in to punch in
the code to open the door?
ok. for the moment
just tell me the code
there was a little man
“there was a little man”
that’s the code?
no, i didn’t actually hear the code
because he had a little man
in his hair
well, the little man in my hair
is getting very, very angry
what are you talking about?
he had a subbuteo player
in his hair, i got distracted!
so essentially what we have here
is a security system
that doesn’t let anybody
in or out of the building?
yes. yes, including us! yes
we’ll get used to it! oh, right, ok
how do we get used to it?!
what’s the problem?
look, it’s very simple! right
i’m outside… right
the door is locked…
now basically, what happens now
is that you…
..wait a minute
i see the problem here
you have to get in
to punch in the code
right…
is this locked now?
i can’t hear you, bernard. i’ll just
punch in the code and let you in
you can’t…have you locked me out?
just one second
yes! yes!
you have!
i know, it’s annoying
‘no connection’ tone
fran!
(hums to self)
on radio 4 at 2:30
and now our weekly visit…
engaged tone
aaaagh!
uh…right, uh…
ok, just relax. relax
i’m starving…where…
ah! ah+ha!
no, no, no!
yuck! uh…ah!
ah!
ah, right. “when you find yourself
in a desperate situation
“you can find edible grubs or roots
“even insects can provide
ample nutrition
“it’s vital to stay warm
and have adequate liquid.”
right
“morale as just as important
as adequate hydration
“you may find it absurd
but an old+fashioned sing+song
“has seen many a lonely soldier
through a long night in the wilds.”
(sings) # i’m in the mood
for dancing
# romancing. #
crunchy
excuse me, there seems to be
some sort of mistake
i brought a drink and some popcorn
and now i have no money
that’s how much it costs
why, is it special popcorn?
does it produce
some kind of dizzying high or…
cola, please
right, that’s the trap set up
(slurs)
“now, wait for rabbit to approach.”
what? rabbit?
where am i gonna get a rabbit?
“it is vital to maintain
radio contact
radio fl!cks stations
music plays
excuse me, this might sound a bit
funny, but could i please have 10p?
you’re joking, aren’t you?
no, please
please don’t be engaged, fran
don’t be engaged
don’t be engaged…
engaged tone
who are you talking to
at this time of night?!
and after the news, the shipping
forecast, read by howell granger
eeep!
nasty night out there
yeah, yeah. freezing, yeah
wouldn’t want to be stuck out there
a lot of low air pressure, you know
came down from abernethy or
somewhere like that and was just…
is that right?
now, what can i interest you in?
oh, yeah…right
ok, i’d like some
hardcore p+rnography, please
alright…
..here you are, set in
a women’s prison + 25 quid
mmm…do you have anything
in a town hall, you know
where the women guess the weight
of the cake and then…
no. got one with nurses
yeah…what kind of nurses
though, you know?
the kind with big tits!
what do they do, though?
are they in administration?
that’s the kind of thing
i’d want, really
you know, a lot
of hospital paperwork and stuff
that’s very specific
yeah, well, you know, just keep
looking, we’ll find something
can you turn the radiator up?
here you are…
‘administrative nurses’, 40 quid
sorry, i mean to say
senior administrative nurses
that’s the only thing
i’m actually interested in
could we watch it together?
maybe we could get a bottle of wine
or something…
out!
engaged tone
what are you doing?
what takes this long?
howell: north+west finisterre…
fran’s squeals drown out radio
squally showers
moderate, becoming good
(squeaks) good!
(slurs) very lonely
i’m a lonely soldier
come in. come in!
this is lonely soldier!
my co+ordinates are…
..book shop!
howell: sole, lundy
fastnet, irish sea. h+llo?
german bight, southwest
veering west, 5 to 7, good
good, good, good, good!
and that is the end
of the shipping forecast
no, no, wait, please!
howell, please come back!
howell! howell!
new voice: and now
‘a book at bedtime’
joe pasquale reads ‘heidi’
by johanna spyri
the pretty little town of maienfeld
lies at the foot
of a mountain range
aaaagh!
whose grim, ragged peaks…
aaagh, aaagh!
..behind the town a footpath
winds up to their heights
aaaagh! get!
uh, could…does the mamba burger
come with zesty cheese?
no
ok, uh, then could i have some…
..hunky dunkers with barbecue
hunky dunky dip
and a…lucky chocolate milkshake
what size + small, medium
goliath or god?
one hunky dunkers
barbecue hunky dunky dip
and a medium lucky
that’ll be â£4.99
um, i’m a little light at the moment
actually, this…
..this belt is made
from real leather
it’s beautiful. have a feel
if you’re not eating anything
you’ll have to leave the premises
thunder rumbles
i will do so immediately, sir
i will do so immediately…
..sir
i will do so immediately, sir
phone rings
oh…
h+llo?
(breathing on phone)
h+llo? who is this?
h+llo? is this you, mummy?
(breathing continues)
i can hear you breathing
whoever you are
you’re beginning
to test my patience
i know there’s someone there
right, that’s it. i’m hanging up
don’t hang up, howell!
fran?
is this you, fran?
are you alright?
are you in any pain?
do you want me to come over? (yelps)
i’ll come over, fran. (yelps)
do you want me to come?
i’ll come, fran. (rapid yelps)
i’ll come, i’ll come
(+rg+smic scream)
fran! fran! my god, what’s happened?
fran?
(normal) h+llo, howell
sorry about that
fran, are you alright?
yes, i’m fine, thank you
i just…i just caught my…
foot in the fridge
oh. um… thanks. goodbye!
(sighs)
uh, um…
is it still raining outside?
uh, yeah
right. welcome to the thing
whatever this place is
ok, can i haaaaaaaaaaaaaave…
..uhhhhh…
what do you want? a mamba burger
a mamba burger, please
what do they look like?
it’s sort of two layers…
the wrapper
what does the wrapper look like?
uh, it’s the red and white, i think
here, there you go. no, no, no
just…this one…
alright, there you go. no, no, no
i think that’s it
(coughs)
it has bacon or something
on the top there
no, that’s not it
that one is very nice
that’s not it
try it, it’s nice. give it a try
that’s not it!
it’ll be nice, have it
give me your quid
can i get some chips
as well, please?
how many? what?
roughly how many? come on!
40?
1, 2, 3, 4…
right, two quid
um, and a diet coke
beep! beep! beep!
no, no, no
coke’s off! coke’s off
here, have some extra chips
can i have a mamba chilli dog…
is it still raining? no
what happened? what happened?
oh, you were burgled again. huh?
there’s nothing left to take
what did they get?
well, as far as i can make out
they took the security system
thank christ for that
what’s up with him?
he drank all our absinthe
(mumbles) i’m a lonely soldier
what are you doing?
i’m putting a cold flannel
on his head
why?
they do that in the films
where were you when i needed you?
oh, yeah, bernard…
uh, something came…up
i’m so, so sorry
um, what did you do?
oh, just my usual night out
you know
went to see an experimental film
where nothing happened for two hours
hung out with a p+rnographer
got a job in a burger bar
you know, the usual
bernard… what?
bernard, i’m sorry. forget it
no, there’s another thing. what?
(mumbles)
what did you do?
(mumbles denials)
what did you do?!
i ate all your bees!
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