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blood girl - holding onto hope lyrics

finally quitting nicotine after almost 6 years i’ve been
sucking down the gasoline lighting up my lungs and feeling
hollowed out and thrown away living like a rat
and i’ve been trying to take care of myself but i’m no good at that
i’ve watched all of my dvds and listened to the same songs on repeat and i’ve been crying more than usual and talking in my sleep
and i’ve been neglecting my diary and favoring my phone
and playing new horizons daily cus i cannot leave my home
yeah i’ve been talking to my doctor and psychiatrist and shrink and i’ve been cleaning up my messes and then messing up again
and i’ve been reaching out in blindness just to grab somebody’s hand and weirdly reaching bottom just to crawl back up again

hadn’t really pictured getting better but i have and i am
just as shocked as grateful though i know it doesn’t last forever
maybe dealing with the ups and down is crucial to exist
forgive myself for all those years i feel like i have missed?

holding onto hope onto hope
that the person i was once would be proud of the me that’s not doing this alone
anymore anymore
independancy’s a bore
reaching out is not a bandaid it’s a part of growing up

my shrink thinks i have tendencies to believe all the negatives
my brain is always feeding me, and over+sharing actually keeps
me from real vulnerability, and i just let it power me
a puppet to a lifetime of survivor’s muscle memory
so what if internalise and get depressive and go into
hiding, almost paralysed by this overwhelming urge
to just give up and sleep forever
just give up on getting better
but i am too stubborn to stand down and give up so i betcha
even if i’m tired even if my feet are sore that i will
walk this spiky road with much more passion than before
maybe getting blisters is a part of moving on
accept myself for all the things i feel like i’ve done wrong?

holding onto past onto past
is the thing holding me back gotta keep keeping on write an awful lot of songs
make some sense of this brain that’s been keeping me away
from the things that i want
moving on and growing up
growing up growing up
is the next upcoming stop in this path that i took, though it’s scary it is good
letting go, getting well felt so far away but then
i became someone else and i’m braver than back then

- blood girl lyrics

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