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bo burnham - rehab center for fictional characters lyrics

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well, h-llo everyone!
welcome to the rehab center for fictional characters.
umm, alright.
lets get right to it
who wants to start us off?
how about you chris?

chris cringle-

umm, alright.
hey, i’m chris cringle.
i’m a s-x addict.

hey i’m santa clause, i’m the king of snow.
i hate my wife because she is a ho, ho, ho.
she used to please me every day, then she made it clear that santa’s only supposed to come once a year.
f-ckin b-tch.
now i buy wh-r-s, rock and roll, and i stuff their stockings with my north pole…

(end)

…okay chris, thank you!
alright, who wants to go next?
patrick… frowny face!
get up here.

patrick o’riley-

alright.
i’m patrick o’riley, i’m a leperchaun.
you all doin’ good?
yeah, i’m not doing so good.

i had a wonderful life, with a healthy household,
and beatiful wife, and a pot full of gold. ha.
then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are b-tches, blew a keebler elf.
uh, now i drink all day and a part of me dies.
cuz my wife is getting gang-banged by the rice krispie guys.
(end)

tony the tiger-

hey i know them!

(end)

oh, hey tony.
nice of you to show up.
where were you last week?

tony the tiger-

i had some, uh… some stuff to take care of.
hey, i’m tony the tiger.
f-ck it.
i’ll just sing it.
every day i wake up, and i get to work late.
my boss says, ‘hey, whats up?’
i say that i’m grrrrrrrrowing tired of this sh-t.
the kids they laugh, ’cause i’m a sensitive cat.
‘big p-ssy!’
i can’t argue with that.
if another kid gives me frosted flakes,
i swear on my life… i’ll eat his parents.

(end)

okay ton, thank you.
so thats everybody.
so lets just get down to it…
oh, who are you?

easter bunny-

yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi.
i’m the easter bunny, hey i’m back!
used to be funny now i’m hooked on crack.
heaps of heroine ain’t no joke, marshmellow peeps covered in c-ke-c-ke-c-ke-c-ke-c-ke-c-ke-c-ke-c-ke.
c-ke!
drugs for life, that’s my plan, but now i have no attention span…

(end)

okay, i’m just going to go and get him, alright?
play nice please. i’ll be right back.

chris cringle-

hey pat did you hear? all my elves got sick.
i think they got herpes from some irish chick.

patrick o’riley-

mother f-cker…
what you laughin’ tony, huh?

tony the tiger-
’cause it’s funny!

patrick o’riley-

this is gettin rediculous.
santa, tony could you guys please stop?

tony the tiger-

oh snap!… crackle and pop.
haha, cuz they banged your wife.

patrick o’riley-

i’m getting out of here.
this is f-cking rediculous.

- bo burnham lyrics

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