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bowflex crew - bowflex for the 26th century lyrics

narrator: introducing the newest exercise craze of the 26th century: bowflex! because no other exercise can get you defined abs and thick thighs like bowflex. using specifically+engineered resistive technology, bowflex can help you build those strong biceps no matter how many arms you have! and through our breakthrough innovations in scrotal technology, you can even work out your d+ck! [splort!] that’s the power of bowflex!

and for women: you can get that well+defined chest you desire! look at that s+xy mommy! those fat mommy milkers could definitely feed a whole family! and that’s not even the full power of bowflex! we asked 7 people to take the bowflex 7+week challenge. they worked out for 40 minutes a day, and then we looked at the results

customer 1: before bowflex, my life was absolutely abysmal. couldn’t believe it. i spent every day of my life browsing e621, wishing that, perhaps some day, i could be in the place of those massive dragons and lions. [a “7 weeks ago” graphic appears of the customer’s head with meme text reading “begins 7 week workout / dies”.] and now i just go to bowflex. i can finally achieve those dreams

customer 2: my life was a struggle prior to me trying out the new bowflex workout regimen. my legs would constantly deteriorate from hours of video games, and my hands would cramp up from all the times i would go about cranking my super mario. [we hear the mario “mamaf+cker!” clip as four images of mario sadly smoking a blunt appear.] but after bowflex, i could finally perform all other hobbies while staying at the top of my game. thanks, bowflex

customer 3: honestly, going to the gym was such a hassle for me. i had to wake up (wake up), grab a brush and put a little makeup, drive 500 miles each way, and on top of all that, i wouldn’t even have time for some hedgehog stew in the afternoon! [“7 weeks ago” graphic: the 22 jump street “my name is jeff” scene run through the faceapp age filter.] b+tch, please! [the video “they cussed on the regular show?!?” appears.] my life is way easier now. i get my d+mn hedgehog right away, and i couldn’t have done it without you, bowflex!

customer 4: i think i swallowed a bottlecap++
customer 5: like, dude, you have no idea how much better my life has been with bowflex! not only do i got swag, but i got a large p+n+s! [the scream sample from “the p+n+s (eek!)” by surasshu plays.] h+ll, even obama uses bowflex, dudes, and he’s f+ckin’ ripped, man, like holy sh+t! [crudely+photoshopped images of buff obama float by.] he’s a f+ckin’ animal, man! and you can trust me on this because my name is jeff! [the “my name is jeff” scene appears.]

customer 6: before bowflex, my life was in shambles. i was fired from my job at haltmann works company and can no longer pay for my wife’s onlyfans. [“7 weeks ago” graphic: the riddler from batman forever.] i can’t even communicate with her now. but bowflex… hasn’t really fixed that. i’m just jacked like the blungus. [tony zaret’s big blungus appears.]

[the commercial fades away into faint, distorted footage of the playboi carti standing goat video over videotape distortion as a scared voice speaks over eerie ambient noise.]

customer 7: [hyperventilating] i don’t even know where i am right now, these guys took me in without warning to do this ad++ i don’t even like bowflex, it’s++

[their voice is abruptly replaced with a text+to+speech voice as the commercial comes back.]

text+to+speech voice: ++awesome and cool. all the ladies love me for my hot abs and my firm, strong body. [“big+ass++”] never before have i acquired as much game within such a short amount of time. thank you so much, bowflex. i love you

narrator: so if these are the kinds of results you’re looking for in a fitness machine, what are you waiting for? you need a grand machine that really gives you results. so don’t be hesitant! if you call this toll+free number right now, not only can you figure out how to fully crank that super mario, you can also get a free extra fleshlight module [“what++”] for no extra payments! so why wait? call 701+347+1936 for the life+changing exercise you need! that’s 701+347+1936, for bowflex, today!

- bowflex crew lyrics

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