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brobdingnagian bards - ooer hamlet lyrics

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there was this king sitting in his garden all alane
when his brother in his ear poured a wee bit of henbane
he stole his brother’s crown and his money and his widow
but the dead king walked and got his son and said “hey listen, kiddo!

“i’ve been k!lled, and it’s your duty then to take revenge on claudius
k!ll him quick and clean and show the nation what a fraud he is.”
the boy said “right, i’ll do it. but i’ll have to play it crafty
so no one will suspect me, i’ll kid on that i’m a dafty.”

then with all except horatio, cuz he counts him as a friend
hamlet, that’s the boy, puts on he’s round thе bend
but because hе was not ready for obligatory k!lling
he tried to make the king think he was tuppence off a shilling

got a rise out of polonius, treats poor ophelia vile
told rosencrantz and guildenstern denmark’s a bl++dy jail
then a troupe of travelling actors, like seven eighty+four
arrived to do a special one night gig in elsinore

hamlet! hamlet! loved his mommy!
hamlet! hamlet! acting barmy!
hamlet! hamlet! hesitatin’
wonders if the ghost’s a cheat
and that is why he’s waitin’
then hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
while horatio and he watched to see if claudius cracked
the play was called “the mousetrap” (not the one that’s running now)
and sure enough, the king walked out before the final bow

so hamlet’s got the proof that claudius gave his dad the dose
the only problem being, now, that claudius knows he knows
so while hamlet tells his mother her new husband’s not a fit one
uncle claude puts out a contract with the english king as hit man

and when hamlet k!lled polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
was the king’s excuse to send him for an english hempen necktie
with rosencrantz and guildenstern to make sure he got there
hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger on that pair

meanwhile leartes heard his dad had been stabbed through the arras
he came running back to elsinore, toot+sweet, hotfoot from paris
and ophelia, with her dad k!lled by the man she wished to marry
after saying it with flowers, she committed harakiri

hamlet! hamlet! nae messin’!
hamlet! hamlet! learned his lesson!
hamlet! hamlet! yorick’s crust
convinced him that men, good or bad
at last must come to dust
then leartes lost his cool and was demanding retribution
the king said “keep your head, and i’ll provide you a solution.”
he arranged a sword fight for the interested parties
with a blunted sword for hamlet, and a sharpened sword for leartes

to make things double sure, the old “belt and braces” line
he fixed a poison sword tip, and a poison cup of wine
the poison sword got hamlet, but leartes went and m+ffed it
’cause he got stabbed himself, and he confessed before he snuffed it

then hamlet’s mommy drank the wine, and as her face turned blue
hamlet said “i think the king’s a baddie through and through.”
“incestuous, murderous, d+mned dane,” he said to be precise
and made up for hesitating once by k!lling claudius twice

for he stabbed him with the sword and forced the wine between his lips
he cried “the rest is silence,” and cashed in all his chips
they fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
and fortinbras, knee+deep in danes, lived happily ever after

hamlet! hamlet! oh so gory!
hamlet! hamlet! end of story!
hamlet! hamlet! i’m away!
if you think this is boring
you should read the bl++dy play

- brobdingnagian bards lyrics

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