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captain a - a love poem by the leaving lyrics

i say i want to marry you for a green card
and you don’t laugh hard enough, which disgusts me
i poke you, honey, it’s a joke
that you didn’t recognise that
shows a gross misunderstanding of our relationship
uh! don’t cringe at the word relationship
any two beings in the world who know each other
have a relationship
i have a relationship
with the checkout guy at trader joes
he says, “that kombucha is really good”
i smile “yeah, i know”
and he hands me my change, and i go
just like i’ll go from here
remember, i fly out in a month?
you might never see me again
so can you please keep it together until then?

what you know of me is no lie
but it’s so many shades off the full truth
not that i claim to know all of you
but in these months of us
we’ve only ever slept in your bed
this your land, where only you have ties
i’m a foreigner, a guest in your life
you’ve met me as a carefree traveller, afloat
but soon i’ll turn home
drawn by solid bonds of history and love
that i could never dissolve
they keep me on this earth
just as yours keep you right here
without them, we could scatter like helicopter seeds
glamourous as comic book orphans
start again as cowboys, live on a sundrenched beach
but we won’t. instead. you’ll stay here and i’ll leave
to escape the booming party
we lock ourselves in your bathroom
and glug beers sitting hugged by the tub
you predict that i’ll cry when i leave you
i admit that i’ve already been grieving you
shedding pre+departure tears at the mere idea
you draw circles on my palm
worried that we’re getting too attached
walking open eyed into a romantic cul de sac
i laugh
well it’s too late now! there’s no way back
and no discussion to have
i’ll leave in three weeks
fact

so i whip up a metaphor
i’ve found a rare book at the bookstore
i’m having a look
not a sentence by sentence pore
i’ve got somewhere else to be
i hear the clock tick and hurry
tearing through chapter headings, ill+strations, skimming sections
taking in as much as i can before
i have to put it back on the shelf
and though i know i’ll walk out empty handed
it’s not always in your hands that you carry your wealth
we switch our focus. we own it
we’re no victims of circumstance
t minus two weeks i start this poem
to honour our mayfly romance
we even find a silver lining
we’ll never let each other down
because we’ll never get the chance
we’ll never quibble and ruin holidays for each other
i’ll never grow to resent your mother…
it’s incredible, unburdened by future hypotheticals
we waste no time thinking maybe we should cool it
or worried that the other might want to commit
we know that we only have a moment
so we learn to live fully in it
our intimacy includes endless personal inquiry
daring each other further
with heart thumping uncensored honesty

and all the while my mind was busy archiving
for a future past tense dream
knowing that when i am old and grey and full of sleep
and nodding by a screen
some actor’s pout will conjure you
and i’ll smile and shut my eyes
and it will seem that i am on a high bed
between two windows three floors up
gently waking that first time
to the gift of a miraculous snow day
us and the whole city under heavy duvet
or months later, in golden light
curtains open and windows thrown wide
drifting off by your side
to the wamp wamp of the fan all night
my nose in the musk your armpit
elbow hooked around your thigh
in the end
our last morning was just like the rest
my earrings forgotten on your bedside table, a kiss goodbye
and as the door shut
i didn’t cry

- captain a lyrics

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