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cast of scrubs - the rant song lyrics

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[patti miller]
dr. cox, i’m not crazy!

[dr. cox]
am i still singing?

[patti miller]
singing like a bird

[jd]
[bursts into scene]
dr. cox, huge news!
i pulled some strings
and got the parking spot right behind yours!
[dances] bumper buddies!

[dr. cox]
still, you’re not neh-hearly as bad as her
do you know how much you annoy me?

[jd]
[makes a motion of a “little bit” with his thumb and forefinger, which dr. cox then pushes open]

[dr. cox]
the answer is a lot
should i list the reasons why?
well, i don’t see why…not
[takes a deep breath from a patient’s oxygen mask]

[music tempo picks up, turning into a patter song]

[dr. cox]
it’s your hair
your nose
your chinless face
you always need a hug
—not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug—
that you think i am your mentor
just continues to perplex
and, oh my god, stop telling me when you have nerdy s-x!

[jd]
[spoken] oh, by the way, last time kim was in town, we got some appletinis and poured ’em on her good parts!

[dr. cox]
see now, newbie, that’s the thing you do that drives me up a tree!
’cause no matter how i rant at you
you never let me be!
so i’m stuck with all your daydreaming
your wish to be my son
it makes me suicidal!
and i’m not the only one
no, i’m not the only one…

[lights go off, except for a spotlight on the janitor]

[janitor]
it all started
with a penny in the door
there was a hatred
i had never felt before
so now i’ll make him pay
each and every day
until that moussed-haired little nuisance
is…
no…
more

[dr. cox]
so now that is why i call you names like carol, jane, and sue
like moesha, kim, and lillian
suzanne and betty-lou
see, regardless of the names i pick
my feelings are quite clear!
you’re a pain in every day
of every month
of every year!

[patti miller]
dr. cox, you gotta help me
’cause i really am distressed!
can’t you find another option?
won’t you run another test?

[dr. cox]
if you want some kind of favor
—really any kind of favor—
please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest!

[jd]
[spoken] i think what my bumper buddy is trying to say—

[patti miller]
shut your cake-hole, mary-beth
or i swear to god
i’ll shut it soon!

[dr. cox]
congratulations
we’ll schedule your test this afternoon
hmph

- cast of scrubs lyrics

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