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chris fleming - sick jan lyrics

h&r block…

when i first met jan
i thought she was a regular desert woman
grey buzzcut
enough turquoise to get into stevie nicks’ house (no questions asked)

what i didn’t know was sick jan was an absolute nihilist
who was willing to risk it all for me
she looks at my forms
puts her head on her desk
for an unreal amount of time

[speaking]
fleming: oh, i could go to literally anyone else, there’s several other tax preparers here
jan: no, it’s okay, +cough+, it’s okay, +cough+…

[singing]
“ron gets the best yelp reviews of anyone here but between you and me, he’s a bit of a priss”
not really between you and me because ron’s six inches away and you’re screaming (screaming)
in an otherwise silent office (+cough+)

[speaking]
jan: it’s not looking good christopher, do you work from home?
fleming: yes
jan: is the sole purpose of that room for your office?
fleming: no, we eat there too, so ++
jan: what i’ll do for you, i’m gonna claim a home office
fleming: okay, great
jan: what we’re doing here today, we could both go to jail for a long time
fleming: wait, what?
[singing]
sick jan, we don’t have to claim a home office
if it means we’ll both go to jail
(“christopher, i’ll do it for you! +cough+”)
what? no! why? (why?)

[speaking]
jan: i’m happy to do this, if the irs come in though and they see you doing anything but work, we will both go to prison

[singing]
sick jan, we don’t have to claim a home office
if it means we’ll both go to jail
(“for a long time +cough+”)
how many jason statham movies are you watching, sick j?

every single year i’d go back to h&r block
and i’d demand to work with sick jan
and she was always available because i don’t think anyone wanted to work with her
because she was obsessed with the idea of going to jail (+cough+)
or maybe no one wanted to deal with her celebratory sneezes and coughs (+cough+)
each cough was a celebration and each sneeze was a gunshot (+achoo+)

the next year i go back to that h&r block
i walk in with my forms held high (forms held high)
sick jan puts her head on her desk for an amount of time that would make me uncomfortable if i weren’t used to her strange bullsh+t
[speaking]
jan: ugh…okay, here we go again, +insane cough+, you wanna do the home office? +cough+
fleming: i mean, not if that’s an issue
jan: no, it’s not an issue, it’s not an issue…+cough+, okay, +cough+…

[singing]
“i just want you to know, christopher
if the irs come to your house and see that you have more than one use for your home office…
then you and i will lose our freedom”
(right, that’s not too bad)
“you and i will be caked in subpoenas
we’re going to the big house, uncle sam’s naughty box!”
(“i’ll do it though, i’ll do it for you”)

sick jan, we don’t have to claim a home office
(“i don’t mind!”)
if it means we’ll both go to jail
“i just want you to know that you and i are both booking tickets to whitey bulger’s final airbnb”

sick jan, your fantasy of going to jail with me
(“the irs is gonna come pick your small ass up with a shish kabob that i’m also on…”)
is becoming a problem with our working relationship
(“and take us both to the people’s pound”)

“when they drive your corolla that they reclaim through your house and see you not working in your office
just staring out the window like carole king
then you and i will both go to can’t order pizza anymore island”
[speaking]
fleming: sick jan of course was either fired or quit from h&r block. last time i saw her was in line at the 2016 election and she pretended to not know me. but when we locked eyes, she had that look in her eye, that crazy sick jan look that said to me…

[singing]
“i’m old enough to know that not all dreams come true
you and i never made it jail, chris
and it’s hard for me to face the embers of that dream here in line to vote
but what if christopher! it’s not too late!
let’s take out our cellphones in the voting booth!
we can still do hard time!”

sick jan, sick jan
sick jan, sick jan
sick jan, sick jan
sick jan

[speaking]
jan: +cough+ do you work from home? +cough+

- chris fleming lyrics

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