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christine lavin - it's your funeral. discuss. lyrics

now her shocked friends and family
have all gathered ‘round
but she did not leave instructions
the family did not what to do
oh lord oh lord
don’t let this happen to you

she hated shopping she hated religion
her funeral’s in a church in a mall
next door there’s a half price sale on sheets
turning into a brawl
inside the preacher once twice
three times mispr+nounces her name
her knuckle+headed nephew in the front pew
is playing a vidеo game (and texting)
the choir is tonе deaf
the organist sucks
if they pass around the collection plate
i’m takin’ out five bucks

this is a bad funeral
that’s what i said
this is a bad funeral
too late she dead

so there will be no debate
though my end is nowhere near
i’m gonna make a list of everything i want
at my funeral right here
i want an open mic
i want an open bar
i don’t want an open casket
that would be goin’ too far
but you can come as you are
there’ll be masseuses to massage away
all your aches and pains
a new york times
crossword puzzle station
to stimulate your brains
a dessert buffet featuring
raspberries and whipped cream
a psychic who will +n+lyze
your latest baffling dream
a barber for the boys
a manicurist for the girls
oysters on the half sh+ll
sporting pop polynesian pearls
a screen playing episodes of
“say yes to the dress”
a scale that’s rigged so when you weigh yourself
you are 10 pounds less

it’s gonna be a fun funeral
with aaron weinstein on the fiddle
gonna be a fun funeral
a jazz contra dance in the middle

after that my sommelier will pour you
a lafite+rothschild bordeaux
a matchmaker at my funeral
will find you your next beau
a jesuit will hear your confession
absolve all your sins and then
you can get back in the dessert buffet line
again and again and again
oh + my funeral’s gonna be
such a fabulous time
the fact that i will miss it
is practically a crime
‘cause like the bridal shower
in the movie “bridesmaids”
when my funeral is done
everybody gets a puppy
you can take more than one
so don’t leave it up to chance
for your final soiree –
do what i did
make a list of everything you want
before you pass away

it’s your funeral
tell ‘em what you want
make it fun when you’re done
it’s your funeral
tell ‘em what you want
when you’re done make it fun
it’s your funeral

- christine lavin lyrics

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