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circus of dead squirrels - puppy maul madness! lyrics

we interrupt this program to bring you a very special report
i am standing outside the mall which is currently under attack
here at the scene of the crime is chief of police johnson
uh yes thank you, what we have here is a hostage situation
that originated at the pet store
we believe that that these dogs were bred in puppy mills
which would explain their aggressive behavior
thank you chief of police johnson
let’s see if we can hear what’s happening inside

‘mall security, stop or i’ll say stop again
holy moses, its puppy maul madness!
‘yo dawg, back da f-ck up, aight!? mommy!’
ooh baby, its puppy maul madness!
‘just trim the bangs or the whole kit and caboodle?’
puppy maul madness
‘hey broseph, check out the game last night, bro?’
puppy maul madness

you know what, honey
we need something to fill up that sp-ce in the yard next to the pool
we have two houses, three timeshares, and thirteen cars
we have a yacht and a tennis court, now we need a dog!

there’s only one place to get a breathing doll
at the overcrowded, terrifying, septic mall
in the window i see mannequins with wagging tails
fresh from the puppy mill with cataracts and curled, broken nails
i need a trophy not a companion
why bother saving one for fifty when i can spend a thousand
i need a purebred not a mutt like me
i did my part, i thought about it like obama’s family, yeah

leave me alone; don’t need a new cell phone
‘who’s your cell phone provider, bro? let me help you out (f-ck off)
don’t offer me lotion from israel
‘show me your hands (no), show me your f-cking hands!(jesus!)
see clothes for douchebags, punks, and ghetto thugs
‘f-ck paying child support, i want some new shoes (get me out of here)’
see people buy dogs that match their curtains
‘do you have something in more of a mahogany?what about teal’

he cries all night, he wants to walk all day
he doesn’t listen to a d-mn word i say
he’s always hungry, he sheds his hair
they can euthanize his -ss for all i care

the kids now want a brand new toy
so sick of calling him all night screaming, ‘come on boy!’
he’s humping my wife and tearing up the house
his pink thing’s slithering and grossing everybody out
well what the f-ck do you expect when he is raised in filth?
walking on wire, never learning social sk!lls
you’re the kind of dipsh-t that should never get a pet
thank you for slam packing the shelters, now roll over and play dead

there’s never any godd-mn parking, does anyone have a f-cking job?
oh what the h-ll’ you’re not handicapped, you’re just old (‘c-cksucker!’)
what is this, a gang? get the f-ck out of the way (i cut you mang!) jesus!

don’t want a custom made cheap -ss t-shirt
‘you want to buy?then don’t bother me i’m on the phone long distance
break my life savings to buy a pretzel
‘who’s back there baking these things, jesus christ?’
walk by hot topic see emo preteens
‘i’m gonna cut myself, oh my god’ (of f-ck y’ is that a ghostbusters shirt?)’
see dumb f-ck buy puppy for b-tch girlfriend
‘i don’t want one from the shelter, they’re f-cking ugly! oh ok

stacked in the cages the pups, diseased and f-cked up
shipped to the pet stores in town, momma gets put down

ladies and gentlemen, i am now inside the mall where the hideously deformed dogs are eating people alive
yes you heard me correctly, folks
here is a victim now, sir can you explain to the audience how you are feeling?(ooooooow!)
thank you, now back to the action

‘a medium coffee, do you mean grande, chief?
boom, headshot, total pwnage n00b
‘oh my god, i haven’t seen you in so long, did you get my messages?
i started a new job, i’m living with my boyfriend now, did i tell you my sister got married
‘hey be careful, that floor’s still wet!hey!
don’t ask my nephew to be a model
‘have you ever considered him for modeling?'(stay away from my family)’
how the h-ll is spencer’s still in business?
‘would you like to purchase a finger puppet p-n-s?(f-cking nutcase)
walk by food court, offered a free sample
‘teriyaki chicken, you want sample?(i will shove that toothpick right up your -ss)’
just want to go and p-ss off the pet store
‘would you like see him?he’s a little nervous right now (yeah, no sh-t’ there’s a bunch of f-cking idiots
tapping on the gl-ss all day’ where you getting these dogs anyway?

- circus of dead squirrels lyrics

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