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clayton jennings - suicide lyrics

goodbye world
i might just die tonight
goodbye girls
you might just cry tonight

’cause i promise you this time i’m coming for their throat
every chord that they played me, every song, every note
i must have played that soundtrack on repeat
a bottle of vodka dosed on these demons
i drown them completely
or i could down that it’s easy

no wonder they call it spirits
it’s fleeting
no wonder they call it sipping
it’s easy
but that’s the best way to get caught slipping
believe me

funny how it takes walking away from these mirrors to see me
now you know why i called album number two “reflections”
god knows i could care less about peoples thoughts and perceptions
think ditching this pedestal for a pill is below me
we could share the same address and you still wouldn’t know me
but that’s the prize you pay for being social with this media
people you don’t even know get emotional just seeing ya
because you saw them in your city
or dressed up on your computer screen

this is so messed up man
do you see what i mean?
i wish you could open up my dm’s and see what i’m seeing
“dear clayton, if you don’t write back i’m gonna slit my wrists”
“dear clayton, my face is swollen from my stepdad’s fists”
dear clayton this and dear clayton that

give me peace of mind and take this popularity back
i got offered two grand from autographed peace of my hat
you think that it flatters me
i think that it’s whack
i’d slit my throat before i beg another person to follow me back
i regret starting this
i never thought i’d say that

the bible says “to whom much is given, much is required”
i been giving everything so i guess i’m never allowed to retire
got nightmares of telling the world
about jesus only to wake up in the fire
got night terrors from these kids
singing suicide songs to my ears like a choir

why me? why not your pastors yo, where they at?
too busy segregating sunday mornings between the whites and the blacks
when the church realizes that it’s not 1819 maybe then i’ll go back
until then it’s whites in the front and blacks in the back
join the wrong church and get stabbed in the back

last month i had thoughts of suicide
can you relate?
“clayton uh, if you could keep your personal struggles quiet
yeah, that would be great
we rather see you smile then read us a verse”
i bet the same people would throw flowers at my he+rs+
don’t throw flowers then when you’re throwing poison ivy now

i’ve been biting my tongue
trying to stay poised when i’m around
i’ve kept receipts on my phone that could bury people
i got offered real estate to marry people
scary people, nah, scary steeples
cults for churches, watch out for the sheeples

but i do this for that massachusetts girl with a stutter
skipping the line in the cafeteria
isn’t the only thing that makes her a cutter
she goes home and plays my poetry and then she pulls out her phone
and sends a note to me
and she says “i’ll probably never
read it” but she still sends it knowingly
telling me “i saved her life unknowingly”
and attaches a picture just showing me
the scars on her arms and the needle marks too
with the words “you saved my life” in a thin font shaded in blue

little did she know when she sent that i was alone in my room
pistols and pills, debating which way to be through
alone in my feelings
letting these demons do what they do
don’t talk to me about depression if you’ve never walked in my shoes
six pills in and i was feeling dizzy
selfish thoughts like “will anyone miss me?”

god if you’re out there you better send help quick
i don’t want my daughter to wake up and find me like this
six more in my hand about to put the nail in this coffin
out of nowhere my phone buzzes
with an email from some girl out of boston

- clayton jennings lyrics

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