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cledus maggard - virgil and the $300 vacation lyrics

now, you’d have to know my brother-in-law virgil to appreciate this story
but since you don’t, try to imagine this 300 pound carrot-top
that tells lousy jokes and goes “uh-uh-uh”
sits out in his back yard every sat-rday in his bermuda shorts
playin’ with his navel gettin’ tanked up on beer
long about dark starts makin’ noises like “yee-haw!”
ya know him, do ya? but then good, you’ll appreciate this story
’bout how he put me $10,000 in debt
for what he fondly referred to as “the $300 vacation”
well, virgil and chenille, yeah that’s my wife’s sister’s name
her ma happened to look down at the bedspread
while she was in labor and thought chenille was a pretty name
when my wife was born, the old lady couldn’t decide
between polly and esther so she named her dacron
virgil and chenille and them five heathen young’uns come over the other night
and virgil hit us with his big holiday idea:
“you and us gonna all load up and go to washington d.c
go see the capitol, the washington monument
the washington redskins and the adult bookstores, yee-ooh!”
“virgil, boy, that’s fine for you – but i ain’t got the green stamps
to go to no washington d.c. and see no adult bookstores”
“ain’t gonna costs us but 300 dollars, gonna buy us an old school bus
fix it up fer sleepin’, eatin’ and plumbin’, and we gone! yee-ooh!”
well, next day me and virgil took off to eyeball this 250 dollar school bus he found
“hey virgil, that’d be all right, i ain’t seen a reo since the second world war!”
we filled up the crank case with 70 weight motor oil
stopped by goodwill and give ‘em all the seats and $50 for four bunk beds
and a set of sea rock city salt and pepper shakers
this 300 dollar vacation had done cost us 300 dollars
and we was still six weeks from leavin’ town!
virgil hadn’t paid me his half
said he’d have to wait, ’cause the dog ate his checkbook
virgil said he’d put in the plumbin’ in the bus
if i’d get the refrigerator
i wound up payin’ $682 for one of them fancy campin’ freezers
virgil’s idea of plumbin’ turned out to be a two-dollar thermos bottle
an enema bag with a shower nozzle, and an antique slop bucket
“ain’t we havin’ us some fun? whoa!”
well there we was, ready to leave:
four adults, seven young’uns, and virgil’s hound dog
“virgil boy, you didn’t tell me you was bringin’ the dog that ate your checkbook”
“can’t leave her at home ’cause she’s in heat, but she won’t be no trouble”
virgil painted the reo bus white, with big red and blue letters
down both sides said “goin’ to washington”
all one word, g-o-u-n-t-a-w-a-r-s-h-n-u-n
this 300 dollar vacation had now cost 1776 dollars
but we was finally pullin’ outta the driveway
when the motor fell outta the reo
and virgil suggested we take advantage
of the bicentennial family plan discount and fly!
“get in that ole airplane and we gone, whoa!”
when we got to that washington airport right there was a sign
said “benedict arnold motel – convenient, economical
and we accept pets” so we took it
turned out to be in a nearby suburb known as baltimore
60 miles from washington, and 40 dollars a head!
“be sure to keep up what with i owe ya”
a 26 dollar taxi ride let us off square dab
in front of the watergate hotel, and virgil said
“sure, watergate’s where half of washington got let off, ha ha ha”
he wrote it down on the dog’s ear, ’cause he thought it was so funny
“ain’t that funny? whoa!” and he put a slap on my back
and sent me straight towards the washington monument
so we all got in the line fourteen blocks away
while virgil took off to the nearest adult bookstore
when we got to the front of the line they gave us a little card
that told us when we could see the monument
it said “your appointment is for 5 p.m., december 12th, 1977”
’bout that time we heard a familiar “ye-haw!”
looked up, and there was virgil at the top window of that monument
met somebody at the adult bookstore with important connections
then on to the capitol, where we was fined $500
when virgil’s oldest boy drew a mustache on alexander hamilton
course that was nothin’ compared to the $5,000 fine
when virgil’s youngest boy smashed the gl-ss
protectin’ our nation’s most cherished doc-ments
and the dog ate the last nine words of the bill of rights
total cost of that $300 vacation came to $10,219.76
when i asked virgil for his half, he said i’d have to wait
’cause the trip made him feel so patriotic
that he went right out and bought a new lincoln
“we did go a lil’ over budget, but it was still a heck of a trip
for somewhere around 300 dollars! whoooooooo…!”

- cledus maggard lyrics

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