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covina vance - 10 years (demo) lyrics

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act one: vacations

have you ever tasted a gun? …
well i have

on many occasions
i would take mini vacations
to an abandoned building
i’d seen one time passing by

sometimes i’d sit for hours;
sometimes for minutes
i’d hold the loaded pistol sideways
to split my mouth horizontally
and at some amount of time
i fell in line with the thought of death

let me tell you

it’s amazing how deep
your thoughts can go
when you have a gun
at the back of your throat

asking yourself questions like:

when did i become someone+
i don’t even know?
and why when i get high+
i sink and never float!

and that pistol …
it told me secrets …
it whispered silence+
like only a friend could, and
it promised to k!ll my problems of
being misunderstood

yet something in the air …
told me …
that my pistol was a liar
act two: valleys

this skin feels to tight
and right now it’s suffocatin
i can’t listen when things
never lay the way i envision;

because my mountains look to tall
and my valleys seem to deep+
so most of my days
i lay horizontal
lying under sheets

living life within my head …
so you know i rarely sleep
mind constantly roaming
it’s never to late to think …
or sink+

blinked i almost missed it
saw a shrink and yes he listened
yes i know that’s his profession …
but he’s a stranger with little interest

it wasn’t long before i learned that+
a smile is the best disguise for depression
it’s the long sleeve shirt for cut wrists
i once cut my wrist because most nights
i don’t feel comfortable in my own skin;
as if the collection of atoms
suffocating my soul
wasn’t meant to cage me in

maybe i’ll be a “someone” someday
even though my veins don’t contain
the essential quintessentials
meant to play this game

i checked and double checked;
making marks on my arms
because my flesh is my jar and
it’s where i keep my insecurities hidden

but if i show you, you, you gotta promise you won’t judge my skeleton

act three: napalm

excuse me if this is a little too heavy

i’d just like to impose my super imposition
of super normal people like us making livins
we don’t have it all but we use what we’ve been given
and i can’t make sense of these feelings i been feelin
like suicidal thoughts that fight to make collisions
with a young man’s life desperate for decisions

at night i try to wrap my mind around reality
grappling with my sanity
as time slips through my finger tips
and all i can hold is a fantasy
of being understood
a little more than the places we’ve never stood

most times though i’m just misunderstood
i feel depressed and out of place

so i try to prescribe my own medication;
good music
a good substitute for no vacation
and it helps keep my hand from making rushed lacerations

mixed emotions and to many infatuations
chasing
don’t know what’s waiting but i’ll run
til this heart of mine is done
pumpin
dreams to a child’s mind
young
gone
and blind

cracks in the pavement swallow
my tears
self ingested fears

i’m surrounded and secluded
sane and deluded
bone infused with
cheap thoughts and tears
weak arms and napalm

i’d set my world on fire
but i love living in fictitious
solitude
young
lone
and confused

deluged skin
breathing sin
deep breath
exhale the flares
distressed
and impaired
compressed
normal wear and tear

smell the air

nostalgia
molotov c+cktails
explosions at sunset
laughter and these tears

my shirts soaking wet

here’s my mask
to conceal what’s left
…or what left

like these emotions running down my face
still feeling out of place

a stranger at home
stuck within my mind
steadily running from
… myself …

because sometimes the next best thing
brings a world of stress
and its always a test
so my first best guess
is to paint someone better
than the person behind my chest

don’t get me wrong
i am being myself
it’s just the me without the me+ss
i paint the double “s”
with invisible ink
to hide the rest
of what’s attached to me

act four: tsunamis

this poem is for all those who have fallen but who made it
this is for all my friends who paved a way for the son’s rays to meet the concave surface i knew as the hole in my chest

this is for the girl who never thought she captured elegance
this is for all the addicts who were and are searching for their recompense
this is for the all those who have circled suicide like it was the correct answer
this poem is for the broken
the depressed
the suicidal boy who is ready to take his life but hopes someone out there will understand his silence

this poem is for the abused
the misused
the confused
and the victims of excused violence

please friend
do not hold your silence

breath in
palm your scars
hold their lessons
yet never let them stifle your growth

breath out
release insecuritie’s insanity
become an apprentice of past mistakes
ascertain a diamond of wisdom
from the coal of calamity

find beauty in the wreckage

and find yourself adorned with gems
forged in the caves you once called home
step into the light
and see how refined tragedy shines

smile
remember the pain
remember their words
but don’t ever let it weigh you down

stand in triumph over insecurities
climb over past mistakes
collapse your fears
like origami
and realize something beautiful!

you are a tsunami of gradation
meant to collide
like rolling tides
on the shores of age old
strongholds

torrent warrior
is what you are
known not for your flesh and bone frame
but for the courage
that flows through your veins

you, my friend, are brave
conquering today
with the strength of tomorrow’s promised victory
found only in the king

and don’t be ashamed
to seek the help you need!
whether that’s a therapist
a conversation with a friend
or psychiatry

cause i know you feel like a lonely tree
surrounded by an ocean of emotions
but you’re not the only one
and that alone makes us a forest

a family
firm and unmoving
resiliently resisting any and all attempts of uprooting

and as we band together
with interlaced roots and hands
remember
1. you are not alone
2. you are more than flesh and bone
3. you are home
to a host of brilliant things

and when tsunamis rush our shores
we will stand strong
oh my dear friend
we will stand strong

- covina vance lyrics

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