crawl across the sky - day 1156: the flesh is weak lyrics
day 1156: the flesh is weak
may the day of my birth perish, and the night that said, ‘a daughter is conceived!’ that day—may it turn to darkness; may god above not care about it; may no light shine on it. may gloom and utter darkness claim it once more; may a cloud settle over it; may blackness overwhelm it
that night—may thick darkness seize it; may it not be included among the days of the year nor be entered in any of the months. may that night be barren; may no shout of joy be heard in it…
may its morning stars become dark; may it wait for daylight in vain and not see thе first rays of dawn, for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me to hidе trouble from my eyes
why did i not perish at birth, and die as i came from the womb? why were there knees to receive me and br++sts that i might be nursed? for now i would be lying down in peace… or why was i not hidden away in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day?
in death, there the wicked cease from turmoil, and there the weary are at rest. captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout. the small and the great are there, and the slaves are freed from their owners
why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? why is life given to us, whose way is hidden, whom god has hedged in? sighing has become my daily food; groans pour out like water. i have no peace, no quietness; i have no rest, but only turmoil. [i]
what purpose was there for me to be born?
to suffer? to writhe in agony and existential anguish? [ii]
born d+mned, born hanged from a noose. and god did this to me, he made me like this. born only to be d+mned and to burn. born to be broken by the right hand of god, and born to long for death that did not come. born to have life and have it hidden, to be swarmed by waves and torrents of the living god. [iii]
there is no meaning or purpose in this suffering. [iv]
for some reason, i find myself wanting to continue living, but the thoughts of its cessation whisper in the back of my mind
i am tempted to end it
the span of my life is but an instant in the shadow of eternity. for some, it passed by and they reveled in the small miracles their instances graced them with. for me, even then, i wished for the shadow to consume me
my life is a cup i never wanted. but i will watch and be careful. my flesh is weak. [v] it is growing weaker still
[i] job 3
[ii] the sickness unto death, soren kierkegaard
[iii] psalm 42
[iv] psalm 88
[v] matthew 26:40+43
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