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dane cook - christ chex lyrics

i grew up catholic, catholic. every sunday, every
sunday my dad made us get up and go to m-ss and you had
to get there what? quarter of five in the morning. ya
know because you wanted good seats. there were so many
things to remember to when you got there, there was
like little moves. n-body knew the moves. n-body knew.
like what was that one? n-body knew, n-body looked at
each other what is this? try to make it up as you go.
it was peace. peace is when you would shake the hands
of the people around you. and the only reason you knew
peace was coming because the priest would say peace
five times rapid fire. he’d go, “and the peaceful
disciple said ‘my peace i leave, my peace i give to
you. as we ate reese’s pieces with the lord. and he
said i have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!'” but
you know what you were doing while he was doing his
little ‘peace’ rap? you were looking around for the
people whose hands you were not going to shake. this
was church and you were like ‘naw, f— that guy.’ ‘no,
here he comes. no peace be with you. i’m all set. peace
be with you—slaps hand- i said i’m all set, i’m doing
my thing. i got a lot of people. peace off! peace be
with you–don’t let go. you do not let go of me!’i just
saw jesus’ eyes. and then it was like ‘snack time’
right in the middle of m-ss… yeah, right out of no
where the priest will look down and be like, ” lets
have some yum yumssss… i’ve made snackksss.”the
crouton-o-christ. the jeezit.and he was like this and i
got mad because he always kept them like this so i used
to always want to mess with the priest, y’know. when it
was my turn to get in the front of the line, i’d be
like, “ahh -sticks out tongue and holds out hands- your
move holy man… choose wisely.” i always wanted to
grab the bowl, go home, and add milk. start your day
out the holy way with christ chex. it’s a miracle in a
bowl. open up the box it’s like, “ahhhhhh !” little
angel flies out. “good morning!! life is beautiful!

- dane cook lyrics

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