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dane cook - umm, hello? lyrics

then get this right? i’m driving along man i’m driving as i’m driving,
i’m driving safely. i’m obeying the rules.of the road.
whatever sign comes at me i look at it and i go .ok. you got it, sign.
right so i’m driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane,
compeletly oblivious to me. he starts coming into my lane.
just coming in and if i didn’t see him coming in.accident.
but because i saw him.ah i see heyy right i see.
i -ssess the situation. i see i -ssess the sit-u-a-tion.
and then i uh eased on the brake. as he’s coming i ease.
and i said what anybody here says automatically when this happens.
you can’t help it. it just comes out, ready? ready?…

um, h-llo?
…um, hi? h-llo? unless you’re black. if you’re black it’s a little different.
if you’re black it’s uh check out this mothaf-cka.check out this
mothaf-cka!
if you’re chinese it’s -screech- -crash- so that’s… that’s nice.
———————————————————-
i go to a car accident. i got in this car accident recently right?
not my fault! this car accident was not my fault.
right but you know how it goes… get in a car accident,
even if it is not your fault. the other person, they get out of their car,
look at you like it’s your fault. even if it is clearly their fault,
they get out. they’re like. alright, why did you stop at a red light
and let me hit you doing 80?! why did you stop at a red light?
then you get out right? you go you start looking at the damage.
you start looking. keep looking at each other and back at the damage
will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?
if we look together maybe some magic will happen.
this is horri- feel this! this even feels damaged!
do you have tools, can you fix this right now?
this is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged.
even if i was blind i would know this is horribly damaged,
by the way it feels.

then you gotta exchange the information right?
that sucks cuz n-body ever has a f-cking pen. you stand there.
do you have a pen- i don’t have a pen… can you remember all my sh-t?
do you have a lipstick or something? a crayon?
right? so when you finally… here’s what happens.
you finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean.
there you go.there’s my. i highlight. everything’s nice.
you give him the… there you go. it’s in an envelope. ugh yeah.
nice and – but then you get their information and it looks like,
they were having a f-cking seizure while writing it.
you’re like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.
and under name you drew a picture of a monkey f-cking a coconut.
what is that? is your name monkey f-cking a coconut sir? mfc? is that you?
mfc? that’s a monkey… that could be a melon looks like a coco-nut.
then you take a second.here’s where it starts getting embarrasing right?
you take a second while you’re doing the exchange.
you just look around for a second and there’s people everywhere.
they’re like building bleachers on the sidewalk and sh-t.
people coming out of bushes… what? accident?
i’m gonna watch for awhile! wow! they’re discussing it right there!

- dane cook lyrics

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