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danny dourado - mollymauk vs caleb - ultimate rap battle lyrics

[announcer]
roll initiative!

[mollymauk tealeaf]
[spoken]
ha! how do i want to do this?
[rapped]
roll up for this freakshow
at the carnival commedia
a book lover with more issues
than an encyclopedia
it’s the devil who can’t remember
‘gainst the man who can’t forget
my amnesia’s anesthesia
ooh! you stink of your regrets
throw raps from 60 feet away
you weedy wizard wussy
then go mind#meld with frumpkin
you’re used to being a p#ssy
your body’s got the hit dice
of a biscuit dunked in tea
critrolestats says you go down more
than the ruby of the sea
i’m flamboyantly fabulous
universally adored
if i could cast find familiar
i’d just summon gilmore
no foe i can’t surmount
this carnal carnie can’t keep count
i make the continent quake
ooh, i’m such a wildemount
i’m altruistic, hedonistic
love to get in trouble quick
i’m a moral golden compass
you’re just a subtle pr#ck
you’re restrained and i’m loud
you’re restrained and i’m proud
you’re so washed up
yet you smell of stinking cloud

[caleb widogast]
[spoken]
ja, okay
oh, it’s my turn! wunderbar!
[rapped]
ah, the devil’s been defanged
with a dc of elf (eleven!)
i barely felt that mockery
guess he only hurts himself
transm#te that dung to silvertongue
here’s a whetstone for your whit
even comprehend language
can’t decode your bullsh#t (sheisse!)
you’re far from prince charming
more like a royal pain
a clown with a crown of madness
long may he reign
no net under your high wire
if you fight me, light your own pyre
roll wisdom saves after every line
’cause my lyrics are so fire
you’re in my cat’s paw, little peac#ck
and you’ll never be free
if you were as clever as you thought you were
you’d be… me
my cortex is colossal
it gives mind flayers indigestion
i’m a p#ssed fritz army knife
with answers to every question
a brain with an arcane cannon
cranking up my think tank
’bout to take a donation from this
bloodhunter blood bank
you got spanked (danke schon!)
my glove of blasting starts to itch
i have a sorcerer’s apprentice
you can be my b#tch

[mollymauk]
i don’t need to maledict
i just blind you with rage
did jester write your story?
you’re a d#ck on every page
you’re a fiend, caleb
so let me switch to devil’s tongue
[demonic voice]
suck my devil d#ck!
[normal voice]
that means “i won”

[caleb]
you dress like you’ve been faerie#fired
from dusk ’til dawn
try and hide
you’d need a pride parade for leprechauns (potato!)
shine bright, you narcissist
wearing your dragon carpet
i fire attention#seeking missiles
and you’re always the target

[mollymauk]
here’s morals from the devil
you’re so poor in humanity
which is more broke:
your coin purse, or your sanity?
your own mind is your dungeon
karma’s the final boss
cast alarm around your conscience
it’d never go off
no scroll that you stole
can help you hold or control fate
you sold your dirty soul
more controversial than bowlgate
don’t burn your tiefling brother
i rebuke in an instant
if your family were tieflings
they’d have been fire resistant

[caleb]
ooh! your life is in the cards
mollymauk, don’t tempt me
let me read your future
oh, it just says “empty”
you always want to one#up
your last show was your best
fjord swallows swords
so you take a glaive through the chest
your grave wants you back
there’ll be no hope of detection
and i’m saving counterspell
for your next resurrection
now, do me a favor
and expose that purple back
this whole verse set you up for a #

[nott the brave]
sneak attack!

mama’s home, kids
i’ll turn you sh#ts into knitting
ask the manticore how good i am
at babysitting
you’re first, ram h#rns
gonna mince you like mutton
then i’ll have to steal myself
’cause i’m cute as a b#tton
i’m nott drunk
i rogue best when i’m slammed
how will you hit me
when i don’t know where i am?
dropping bombs like cricks
leavin’ molly in the wreckage
if you’re still alive
you can reply to this ##

[spoken]
i failed my con save

[caleb]
ja, okay, we’re done here…
good game, molly

[nott]
no, i can take all three of him!

[caleb]
time for a short rest, ja?

[nott]
i roll to investigate his #rs#hole

[caleb]
i don’t know what that means

- danny dourado lyrics

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