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dave malloy - ii. refresh lyrics

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[jessica]
“addict.”
god that’s still so hard to say.

so…
so i had a bit of a relapse this weekend.
i had been doing really good, you know?
installed trackers, installed blockers
deleted non-essential apps
turned off notifications
turned off push.

but then i—
it’s so simple.
i had an urge
and i said why not?
one peek won’t hurt.

[chorus]
refresh

[jessica]
i hadn’t egosurfed in a while.

[chorus]
refresh refresh

[jessica]
not since my…incident.

[chorus]
refresh
refresh refresh refresh

[jessica]
yes i am jessica
that one
righteous mobmind casualty
sacrificial lamb
that i am

you’ve all seen my “white woman goes crazy” video.

[chorus]
hey

[jessica]
thank you, thank you

[chorus]
hey

[jessica]
f-ck context right?

i actually saw it
before i was id’ed
saw this video of a woman losing it
circulating in my feed
voices sound familiar
recognize the place—
and then i saw her

my face
is that my face?
my face
is that my face?

and i’d be like
click swipe f-ck click
swipe f-ck click swipe
f-ck click swipe f-ck

[jessica & chorus]
click click

[jessica]
those first few hours
those first few days
i was glued
to the lewdness
on my screen
reading everything about me
in morbid flagellation
mult-tasking all the tabs
of my humiliation

[chorus]
refresh

[jesssica]
what did this small person say?

[chorus]
refresh refresh

[jesssica]
what did these dozen small persons say?

[chorus]
refresh refresh refresh

[jesssica]
every voice is equal
every voice gets in

it was like my eyes were sewn open
with a piece of electric thread
go to bed
go to bed
no but just one more
one shallow little phrase
would light my brain like a torch
i became a junkie for it
digging deep for all the memes and posts
to make me feel more sh-tty
make my shame hurt the most
and i’d be like

[jessica & chorus]
click swipe f-ck click
swipe f-ck click swipe
f-ck click swipe f-ck
click click

my name
is that my name?
my name
is that my name?

[jessica]
oh god
oh god

i watched myself reborn as an icon
for awfulness and hate

so then i went away
to the forest
no reception
just refresh

make my head feel clean
water
candles
soap
sun
sky
clear
attention
simple
stillness
silence
the forest was beautiful

refresh
refresh refresh
refresh refresh refresh

but we all have to come back
so i came back

but of course there’s no coming back
no rehabilitation
no nuance
just noise
and complete annihilation
the mob never forgets
the mob never forgives

even though you don’t f-cking know me at all
no you’ve no f-cking idea what you are talking about
but i am yelling at a stranger
and a mindwaste
at a petty child robot
aw come on come on come on now

stone me
bone me
sp-nk me
junk me
dox me
pox me
shame me
maim me
hate me
destroy me
f-ck me
enjoy me

i am cancelled
no parole
no release
huh
would you like that?

it’s hard to get close to new people now
i don’t go out much
i wear a hat and a trenchcoat
like a pervert

[chorus]
refresh
refresh refresh

[jessica]
this all happened so fast
too fast for our fledgling empathy

the tech got away from us
and we weren’t ready
i don’t think we’re wired to handle this

[chorus]
refresh
refresh
refresh

~~~~~~~~

- dave malloy lyrics

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