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decuma - pretend. lyrics

[verse 1]
i don’t know how much more i have in me
an overwhelming lethargy, an overwhelming emptiness, somebody help me
nothing’s helping
i think i want to hurt somebody

the cops came, asking for me by name
i couldn’t shoo them away

nothing’s helping
i think i want to hurt somebody
the cops came, asking for me by name
i couldn’t shoo them away
i couldn’t remember how many pills i’d taken
my mother came from her room
i couldn’t remember how many pills i’d taken
my mother came from her room
a collective guilt trip ensued
i genuinely thought i was helping
and i didn’t know how to tell them, “i thought i was helping you, and i’m not strong enough to live for you,”

i didn’t know how to tell them, “i thought i was helping you, and i’m not strong enough to be strong for you,”
so i let them berate me for not thinking of them

i let them berate me for not thinking of them
she called me selfish, she called me a coward
she’s absolutely right

[verse 2]
she called me selfish, she called me a coward
reprimanded because she was scared and couldn’t understand it
my wonderful mother, with the world on her shoulders, couldn’t fathom burying her youngest son
i internalized the yelling, what had i become?
how often is our love expressed as violence?
my mother doesn’t say, “i love you” she says, “you better not die before me.”
this life, riddled with suffering is coped with through bluffing
that’s what adults do. we play pretend, and we teach our children how to play pretend, and the rules get lost with time, until it’s not a game, but a habit
she called me a coward
she was absolutely right
i couldn’t finish the job that night
why doesn’t anybody ever get what they deserve?
my assaulter is free while i’m losing family to diseases doctors don’t know how to cure

we pretended that i was fine and pretended that nothing happened, now we’re mad at the consequence of our actions
how sad

but i don’t know how much more i have in me
an overwhelming lethargy, overwhelming emptiness
why can’t somebody help me?

- decuma lyrics

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