dennis waterman & george cole - quids and quavers lyrics
[dennis waterman and george cole are in character as their starring roles in the tv show minder, as terry mccann and arthur daley, respectively.]
[song + dennis waterman singing]
when the moon is blue
on the fifth of june
i’ll be waiting at your gate
i don’t only want a lover, my dear
i also want a mate
oh, and if you will say…
(george cole interrupts:) terry, terry, terry…
that you love… t+too…
[skit + both actors, dialogue]
d: what?
g: you alright?
d: yeah. why?
g: w+w+what was that terrible moaning?
d: oh yeah, well, uh. well, that was me. i’m fiddling about on the guitar, ain’t i?
g: guitar, you?
d: yeah
g: who do you think you are, eric clapton?
d: haha. no, i’m writing a little song…
g: ah, is it rude?
d: no, it’s not rude
g: oh, it’ll never sell then. what’s it about?
d: well, it’s… just a little song for my lady friend
g: lady friend? you? you don’t have lady friends. you have birds, bints, richards…
d: no, well this one’s a bit different
g: ah yeah, yeah? she strips with her back to the audience, does she?
d: nah, she’s not a stripper + as it happens
g: well, come on, come on. four less p. what is she?
d: well, she’s, um… she’s a lady, um… policeman
g: i beg your pardon?
d: well, it’s got nothing to do with you anyway
g: no+no+no+no+no+no+no, say that again, say that again. and don’t rumble your plectrum this time
d: she’s a lady policeman
g: that is tantamount to treachery, terrence. i mean, a traffic warden + i could forgive. i mean, i can see the perks there. she’d tow you away for nothing… and give you a free clamp
d: listen you! i don’t care what you think, alright?
g: oh my good god, you are serious + in’t ya?
d: yes
g: a lady policeman
d: that’s right
g: a woman constable
d: yes
g: what are you gonna call the song? ‘i lost my heart to a w.c.’? hahahaha!
d: oi, listen you. on your bike + y’know i didn’t ask ya
g: no+no+no, no, no. no, come on. no+no, i wanna hear it. and i wanna see those great mauler’s fists, beating up an innocent little guitar
d: you sure?
g: yeah, yeah + go on
d: well, i’m no dylan, y’know?
g: no, no, no. and i shouldn’t think you’re much of a dougal either. come on, get on with it. i fancy a bit of a laugh
[song + dennis waterman singing]
when the moon is blue
on the fifth of june
i’ll be waiting at your gate
i don’t only want a lover, my dear
i also want a mate
with her little chequered hat
and her uniform so trim
(george cole interrupts:) and a truncheon up her jumper + she’ll have the cuffs on him! hahahaha!
[skit + dialogue]
d: ah, come on, come on + i don’t need this!
g: no, no + alright
d: either you listen or you get out, alright?
g: yeah, yeah, yeah. alright, alright. go on then, go on, go on
d: alright
g: no, look, look + seriously though… would you like me to do, uh, a bit of backing for you? you know: “doo+wah, doo+wah, doo+wah…”
d: no, thank you arthur
g: no, no, no + i suppose it would be more your: “‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello…” haha! i’m listening
d: listen!
g: i’m listening…
d: alright…
[song + dennis waterman singing]
when the moon is blue
on the fifth of new june
(spoken:) made me get it wrong then…
i’ll be waiting at your gate
[skit + dialogue]
g: terrence, there is just
d (singing): i don’t only want…
g: no, hang on + no, hang about
d: what?
g: this is different. i had no idea. i mean, you + a once nearly good pugilist + suddenly becoming something else
d: huh?
g: a composer! a star in your own right! i can see it now. ‘terry + and the tin mccanns’
d: eh?
g: or ‘terry + and the macaroons’
d: oh, hold on + what are you talking about? all i’m doing is writing a little song for my girl, alright?
g: and there’ll be millions of girls, terry. and money. couple+a number ones. a two week world tour. clean up
d: for god’s sake, arthur. what? you can’t…
g: please, please, please! i’m planning. play
d (singing): and if you say that you like me…
g: no, no+no+no+no, terry, no. no+no+no+no, no, no
d: huh? what?
g: no, no + play it faster
d: what?
g: faster. it’s what we call tempo. that’s what your record buying punter wants + tempo
d: i can’t play it faster. it’s a nice little song, for my girl
g: look, look, for the 20% you’re gonna cop out of this, you’ll do as i say
d: 20%
g: i look + i’ll look after the quids. you look after the quavers…
d: fast?
g: fast
d (singing): when the… moon is blue on the fifth of june!
g: no+no+no+no+no+no, no+no+no+no
d (singing): i’ll be waiting at…
g: no, terry, terry, no+no+no+no+no. i think you’re right. it’s better soppy
d: soppy?!
g: look, will you stop interrupting? you won’t ask all these questions, when i’m luxuriating in my mansion in weybridge
d: mansion in weybridge?! oh, hold on, excuse me + but what am i gonna get out of all of this, eh?
g: you’ll see the world, won’t ya? have gigs in all the best places. trocadero, the marquee, the hollywood sink
d: well, it would… it’s bowl + you prune. ‘hollywood bowl’
g: you see, it’s easy for you. scribble a ditty a day
d: well, just like that?
g: just like that. but i’ll be doing the worrying, the organising, the scheming
d: the stealing…
g: exactly. look + this is not conducive to a good client+management relationship. but i’ll swallow it just this once. now, play…
d: yeah, alright
[song + dennis waterman singing]
and if you would say that you like me
i would say that i like you
i can only give you the simple things
‘cos there’s not a lot i can do
oh, my
my, my, my
my, my, my
marjorie
(george cole interrupts:) what?
[skit + dialogue]
d: uh, uh, what?
g: that last bit
d: what?
g: play it, play it + the last bit
d: what?
g: go on, go on…
d: [mumbles singing through the few preceding lines]
d (singing): oh, my + my, my, my + my, my, my marjorie…
g: no, terrence, no, no. not marjorie
d: you talking about? that’s her name, innit
g: change it, change it
d: i can’t change it!
g: you’ll have to
d: no… you tell her to change it!
g: terry + we are going to the pinnacle. the extra+terrestrials of tin can alley. you can’t drag a bird called ‘marge’ around with ya. god
d: ah, come on. i’ve had enough of this
g: nah, nah, nah, nah, look
d: nah, that’s it, no
g: it’ll be + it’ll be your biancas, your rulers, and your yokos
d: have you snapped or something?
g: executive decision. come on. play…
d: [growls.]
[song + dennis waterman singing]
she does it because she cares
she’s looking after you
her eyes are so adorable
(george cole interrupts:) and one of them is blue! hahahaha!
[skit + dialogue]
d: alright, alright, that’s it!
g: no, no, no
d: no, no. come on, i’ve had enough!
g: that’s just my little joke
d: little joke?
g: yes, just my little joke
d: hurgh!
g: come on
d: i won’t warn you again you know. i’ve had enough
g: no+no+no, no, no. i’m off. gotta convert the lockup into a recording studio. sing on, my son. ta+ta
d: ta+ta
[song + dennis waterman singing]
when the moon is blue
on the fifth of june
i’ll be waiting at your gate
i don’t only want a lover, my dear
[siren noises]
i also want a mate…
(george cole interrupts:) terry, i think she’s come to pick you up… hahahahaha!
[skit + dialogue]
d: pick?… urgh! i’ll k!ll him, one of these days. i’ve really had enough of this. listen + you come back!… h+llo marge…
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