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dennis waterman & george cole - what are we gonna get 'er indoors? lyrics

[dennis waterman and george cole are in character as their starring roles in the tv show minder, as terry mccann and arthur daley, respectively.]

[intro skit + both actors, dialogue, with church bell and brass band and other pedestrian noises]
dennis waterman: now, listen to that, arthur. that’s your actual bow bells
george cole: yeah, listen to that. it’s a disgrace on a public thoroughfare. it should be reported to the noise abas+m+nt society
d: god’s sake, arthur. it’s christmas, innit. a time of good will…
g: a time to make your will, you mean. we’ve only just finished with “£1.50 for the day, mister…” used to be a penny in my day
d: yeah + but queen victoria’s dead, in’t she?
g: you know, i suppose it’s gonna be gbh in the ear’oles, from carol singers
d: ah, come on arthur. cheer up, will ya? gordon bеnnett…

[verse 1 + both actors speak singing]
g: it’s tough, and it’s lonely, in top+managemеnt
d: oh, don’t give me no earache + you don’t even pay your rent
g: i’ve got a lockup with no lock on, and it’s snowing outside
d: if you don’t get her a present soon, there’ll be nowhere to hide
g: i’ve got a lovely furry coat + i could tell her it’s mink
d: nah, she’ll suss it’s skunk + ‘cos it don’t half pen and ink…
g: it doesn’t
d: it does!
g: you’d know
d: i would! here’s a turn+up for the books…
g: what?
d: hold on + here comes chisholm
g: he’s giving me a funny look! what now?
d: sing + he don’t know one carol from another
[chorus + spoken and sung lines]
g (singing): what’ll i get for christmas, for ‘er indoors?
d: well, that’s your problem, innit?
d (singing): don’t tell me your problems + ‘cos this one’s yours…
d: tried shopping?
g: that’s typical
d: right
g: there’s no respect
d: you make me laugh, you do
g: no, terrence, please…
d: just leave me out
g: after all i’ve done for you
both (singing): what are we gonna get, for ‘er indoors?
g: well, whatever i get + it’s gonna cost me an arm and a leg, innit?

[verse 2]
g: a typewriter with ribbons, that was worn by lady di
d: a lovely piece of steak + for when she whacks you in the eye
g: she wouldn’t
d: she would
g: i know her!
d: how much?
g: alright, i will concede…
but we’re sitting here with nothing + and it’s nearly christmas eve!
yeah, what about that perfume that i purchased down the winch’?
d: you spilled it on the counter + and it blistered every inch!
g: oh yeah… we could bottle it, and call it ‘the elixir of life’
d: you give it to her, my son, next year you’ll need a new wife
g: yeah, that wouldn’t be very nice, would it?
d: that’s not for me to comment…
[chorus]
g (singing): what’ll i get for christmas, for ‘er indoors?
d: arthur…
d (singing): don’t give me your problems + ‘cos this one’s yours…
d: i mean, i’ve got my own problems, ain’t i?
g: that’s typical
d: right
g: you’ve no respect
d: you make me laugh, you do
g: oh, terrence, please…
d: just leave me out
g: after all i’ve done for you
both (singing): what are we gonna get, for ‘er indoors?
d: not a lot
g: it’s not funny, is it?
d: makes me laugh

[verse 3]
g: i’ve got some lovely en comrade, genuine paris knickers
d: she can wear them with that 14 pairs of left+foot pickers
g: wy+ves saint lawrence, channel 5, i’ve been right down the card
what about that cartier watch?
d: nah, fell off the lorry too hard
g: an iron?
d: leave off
g: a saucepan?
d: arthur!
g: i’ll throw her a tupperware party
d: that’s like getting a telly + that only shows russell harty!
g: oh, terrence, this is serious + we’ve gotta do something soon!
d: why don’t you just… not go home?
g: eh?
d: she’d be over the moon
g: that is very wounding, terrence
wounding and ungrateful + that’s what you are
d: yeah, well i’m entitled to be… the money you don’t pay me, eh?
[chorus]
both (singing): what are we gonna get, for ‘er indoors?
d: money?
g: terrence… that’s typical
d: right
g: you’ve no respect
d: you make me laugh, you do
g: no, terrence, please…
d: just leave me out
g: after all i’ve done for you
both (singing): what are we gonna get, for ‘er indoors?
g: i wish it was january the 2nd…
both (singing): what are we gonna get, for ‘er indoors?
d: ‘ere, isn’t that carol singing?
g: yeah, i wish he’d stop. come on, i need you. i’ve got a clutch here of army surplus christmas puddings, gotta be shifted… christmas

- dennis waterman george cole lyrics

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