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dfreclkes - imperfect lyrics

this day i made you feel sad and bad
why can’t i just get shot and be dead?
make the blood pour so all i can see is red
i hate myself more than ever before
at these moments i wish that my life was a door
so i could close it and never go further no more
don’t like what life’ got for me in store
i hate it and it’s nothing but a choir
but i don’t want to close that door no more
because i see you at the other side and thats what i’d do everything for

i ruined your mood i’m sorry
thats all i can ever say
f-ck me is there no other way
can’t i show you how much you want to stay?

been on my worst behaviour
you were my saviour
thought it was all over at last
yet i succeed at making everything in my life a mess
this f-cking ocd giving me nothing but stress
can’t live with it because it’s something that lives with me
nothing i do is easy
all the things ruïned by this imaginary voice in my head
but it feels so real that it makes me scared

wish someone understood what i go through
someone who has this constant sh-t life too
not having control on what you think or do
nothing else than this voice ruining my time with you
i can’t relax, never
this sh-t will never get better
it has ruined so much for me
have to live knowing that my mind will never be free
i just want to enjoy life and live it my way
but this voice will never go away
it will always stay
it’s what makes me afraid
because i know.. that it’s my fate and will make you go away

———————————————————————–
as you can see probably, this is a rap i wrote in 20 minutes about dealing with ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) in a relationship
this is not the kind of ocd you see on the internet, this is getting ‘commands’ from your own brain in a different ‘voice’ telling what to do, when to do it, how many times to do it, and worst of all, the punishment you get when you do any of the slightest things wrong. basically executing those orders every minute of the . i’ve had this since i was 8 or 9 years old. it still bothers me but i got it in control through a lot of harsh therapy taking 4-5 years
i wrote this because a couple of months ago the love of my life broke up with me through the phone. we were going to get engaged when she turned 18 as well (i’m 19). i was perfect for her except for the part of my mind that wasn’t me
i was very obsessive (o) towards her, i became obsessed with everything she did en everyone she talked to. i became very compulsive (oc) about everything she did at any given moment. too much attention takes away a persons’ energy and love. the mix of my obsession and compulsion is very attractive at first when you are still madly in love, but rather than fading away, i keep that ‘trait’ every week, every day, every hour and every minute. she basically said she had no time for me anymore and she broke up
this is just my thoughts fading into a rhyme and me writing it down

thank you for reading this it means a lot 🙂

- dfreclkes lyrics

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