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dick feller - the new credit card song lyrics

well, i guess this story must begin
that fateful day way back when
they offered me that “no fee” credit card
i checked ‘yes’ on the application
listed a few of my recommendations
sent it off in the mail, and in a month or so
the mailman brought me my brand new charge+all card
better than checks, safer than money, and not near as dirty!

well, it laid around for a couple of days
’til finally, i thought “well, what the hay?
why not see if this thing’ll really work!”
so i went down to my favorite store
picked out three or four shirts or more
a pair of pants and a gaudy tie
and the man came by and said:
“yes sir, cash or charge?”
i said: “just put it on my credit card
write that dude up! whoa, convenient!”

well, i put that card away in a drawer
and i never charged one dollar more
then one day in the mail i got this bill
above a little barcode in the box with the amount i owed
was the astronomical figure of $4200.32…
when?! there’s been a mistake!
so i got on the phone…. “h+llo? h+llo?”
well, i got the usual phone menu:
“press 1 for this, for that press 2”
and 20 minutes later, a real+life person came on the line
i said “sir, this may be hard to take
but your computer has made a mistake
it says i owe more money than i’ve ever seen”
and he said “people like you make mistakes
our computer scans your personal barcode
and computers do not lie. send us the bread. pdq!”

well, i got off the phone and i got the bill out
and i looked at that barcode he talked about
and there it sat, in all its black line glory
so i got my kid’s ruler and a flare pen
and startin’ with the code on the left end
i drew a few extra lines, where there hadn’t been any lines before
then i drew a few more
added some numbers and a chinese expletive
drove my moped over it
stick that up your computer!

i sent her back in and never heard no more
’til one day the mailman came to the door
with a special delivery from the charge+all place
inside was a note in a cheery mode
said: “our computer scanned your personal code
and it tells us you’ve overpaid your bill!
enclosed is a check payable to you… for $17,000!
we appreciate your business”
well, i got back on the telephone
plowed through the menu ’til the guy came on
and i said: “sir, i think there is something you should know”
then i told him what the computer had done
and i said “well, just remember, you’re the one
who told me computers do not lie. thank you!”

- dick feller lyrics

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