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dillie keane - joyce lyrics

you’ve clearly come to tell me
something really quite unpleasant
i know that shifty look upon your face
if it’s about the alimony
then our lawyers should be present
no? you’re telling me there’s
someone in my place
do i know her?
oh, i do?
well, are you going
to tell me who?

joyce?
so you’re living with joyce?
i’m a little bit fazed
no, i’m frankly amazed
that you’ve opted for joyce
joyce?
well blow me, it’s joyce
am i missing the plot?
because really she’s not
an obvious choice

so
did it start long ago?
though i’m out of your life
and no longer your wife
i would just like to know
but
though the woman’s a sl+t
if you love her i guess
i must wish you success
and keep my mouth shut
i shan’t say a thing
now i see the whole d+mn tawdry story
all spread out in technicolor glory
me? i thought that life was hunky+dory
little did i know that this
slippery sly+boots
was planning on climbing into
my bed, my boots
starting that summer when we all shared a villa
did i have suspicions? no! not a scintilla
underneath the tuscan sun she flirted
ooh!
while my mind was otherwise diverted
how her efforts must have been concerted
going off to look at old ruins together
she’s a ruinous elf with a face of old leather
all the time pretending to be my chum
oh my god! was i dumb?

joyce!
well it’s cuddly old joyce
she’s an excellent chef
but how can you be deaf
to the sound of her voice?
joyce
well she’s hardly rolls+royce
and believe me i’m loath
to imagine you both
getting sticky and moist
how
could you fall for that cow?
you must take her to bed
with a bag on her head
oh i’m sorry, meow!
right
i’m resorting to spite
you and me had to end
and we want to stay friends
so let’s not have a fight
i shan’t say a thing!
how could such a friend of mine betray me?
that’s what just continues to dismay me
like a fish, she’d play me and she’d play me
always popping ’round
and always being kindly
of course i fell for it
absolutely blindly
dear old joyce, so terribly willing
it’s so bl++dy funny, it’s absolutely k!lling!
what possessed me when i let that witch in?
aaaaargh!
how’d i know that she would get her pitch in?
sitting, nice and comfy, in my kitchen
“oh, i’d love a cup of coffee
no i’ll make it myself
i know you keep the mugs
on the second shelf
i know where you keep the sugar
i know where you keep the jug!”
all the time, i was the mug!

joyce!
it really is choice!
your new better half
i’ve just gotta laugh
and even rejoice
joyce
i can scarcely convoyse
i’m feeling so ill
give me a pill
fetch me a noyse
what
has she possibly got?
she looks like a hag
who dresses in drag
and is married to lot
joyce
her name is a coyse
in the whole univoyse
there’s n0body woyse
send for a hoyse
she dies tonight! hahahahahaa!
just in case you missed it, mister
i…
hate…

(spoken)
i can’t even bring myself to mention her name! what, what did i say? oh, for god’s sake

- dillie keane lyrics

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