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doug anthony allstars - friends lyrics

[tim spoken: what’s the difference between having s-x with an english person, and having s-x with a dead person?]

[audience spoken: nothing]

[tim spoken: you need less alcohol for a dead person]

[richard spoken: we’d like now to do our last tune for this evening, to leave you with a song in your heart]

[tim spoken: a song in your heart. and let’s just pray quietly while we’re still happy that there’s nothing else there, for example a build up of fatty tissue the size of a golf ball, which possibly could stop your blood from flowing and k!ll you within seconds, okay? also a quick reminder, while were still all up and happy and peaking: cerebral palsy, it’s a silent k!ller. and just keep that in the back of your mind, about there’s a good place]

[paul spoken: and while we are having a chat about it. uh, multiple sclerosis, “ms” as they call it. uh, you can be a… a great ballerina, or a cl-ssical cellist at the… at the, you know, the top of your career then suddenly, one day out of the blue without f-cking warning: whack! your whole life’s f-cked. um, brain haemorrhages, uh, brain aneurysms, heart palpitations, all these things. uh, some of them can’t be traced, especially the old brain haemorrhage. you could be sitting at home one day, just having made love on a… an early sleepy sunday morning, sun could be streaming through the window, and then without warning: pop goes a vein in your head! thwack! you’re both dead, nothing you can f-cking do about it. goodbye, world]

[richard spoken: um, also, be careful at the moment cause there’s a very nasty cold, uh, going ’round at the moment so watch out when you’re getting on the tube, its very nasty, i’ve got it myself and it’s very chesty]

[paul spoken: yeah. and, uh, i just want to say one last word to everyone. i know there has been a lot of pain in the room tonight, but everyone out there, we can be friends, and that’s the important thing isn’t it? friendship]

[tim spoken: you know, a wise man once said, “never judge a book by its cover… always read the whole thing in the bl–dy book shop then decide if you wish to purchase it.” a friend of mine was judged, he was a bit of a dirty book, he was a necrophiliac who k!lled his partners, is that wrong? you see…]

he was quiet, he was shy
a stay-at-home sort of guy
someone you’d trust your sister with
he had a twinkle in his eye
yet, they said he was psychotic
they called him psychotically disturbed
they said he was mentally unbalanced
they called him a schizophrenic m-ss murderer
with severe fractious personality disorders

they used their jargonistic words
so, he k!lled and mutilated? (so what?)
served his victim on a tray
but dennis nilsen was my friend, okay? (okay)

tuesday nights we’d go out bowling
and he’d blow those pins to h-ll
he’d watch what he’d eat
and it watched him as well

[tim spoken: “coochie, coochie coo. time to go to sleep”]

he was my friend, a friend
we can all be friends
if we just let a little hurt between us mend
sing it loud, now

[richard spoken: let me tell you about my friend, boys]

i met him at the circus
he was hiding in the dark
pulling funny faces
making people laugh
yet they say he was a freak
they say he was genetically deformed
should have sold his body to science
the minute he was born
but he’d just smile and say

[richard spoken: “-slurp- -slurp- i think you’ve all been very kind”]

yes, yes. john merrick, the elephant man
was a friend of mine

[paul spoken: why doesn’t that come as a big f-cking surprise?]

and we’d all go out on blind dates
hessian bags over our heads
we never slept like normal kids
no, we’d sit straight up in bed

he was my friend, a friend
we can all be friends
if we just let a little hurt between us mend

he was a painter, quite artistic
he had that suave panache
a tasteful brown shirt
a cute toothbrush moustache
he loved his german shepherd
and walking by the babbling brook
and watching blond haired, blue eyed children
setting fire to their books
yet they say he was a monster
the leader of the reich
adolf hitler, he was my friend
alright? (alright)

and he’d love to go out dancing
really dug the human league
and that song by alice cooper
“only women bleed”

he was my friend, a friend
we can all be friends
if we just let the little hurt between us mend
sing it loud, now
friends (friends)
friends (friends)
we can all be friends
if we just let the little hurt between us mend
friends

he k!lled ten million of the petty bourgeoisie
but joseph stalin was a friend to me
friends
some say he shot the president, is that crime?
lee harvey oswald was a friend of mine
friends
he was considered the scourge of eastern europe
but genghis khan was my good rocking buddy
friends
she was cute her closes barely fit her
but myra hindley was my babysitter
friends
charlie manson never k!lled sharon tate
he was “lucky chucky” to his mates
friends
david koresh never died in that fire
he’s our friend, our buddy, our messiah
friends
jack the ripper gave his heart to me
friends
idi amin and i played quoits
friends
margaret thatcher was a pitcher, not a catcher
friends
norieger was a friend of mine
friends
pol pot was a friend of mine
friends
pinochet was a friend of mine
friends
michael jackson was a friend of mine
woo! friends

[paul spoken: woah!]

[tim spoken: woah, woah, woah, woah. michael jackson?]

[paul spoken: woah!]

[tim spoken: time! time! time! time! what the—?]

[richard spoken: i just think he’s very talented]

[paul spoken: you push, you f-cking push until you get some sort of reaction from people!]

[tim spoken: good taste, bad taste! you push the f-cking line every time!]

[paul spoken: i’m, uh… i’m sorry about that. if people found that line about michael jackson offensive, there. um, let’s just look at it logically for a second there, rich. you and michael jackson, best friends, right? the only other friends he’s got in the world, right, are a chimpanzee and a gazelle. that’s you, a chimpanzee and a gaz— yeah, that sorta makes sense]

[richard spoken: -gasp- you’re just jealous because he’s taller that you, and whiter, and nicer]

[paul spoken: yeah, don’t point. you do not point, it’s f-cking rude to point, don’t f-cking point!]

[richard spoken: and a better human being. no, mummy. don’t put knitting needles in my ears, mummy.]

[tim spoken: stop]

[richard spoken: no, mummy. don’t put knitting needles in my ears, mummy.]

[tim spoken: stop]

[richard spoken: mummy don’t put knitting needles—]

[tim spoken: stop!]

[richard spoken: oh… oh]

[tim spoken: can’t we love one another? even oedipus had a mother!]

friends, friends
we can all be friends

[tim spoken: everybody clap your hands, clap your hands for all the children in the world]

if we just let the little hurt

[tim spoken: let’s share this moment forever, n-body can take it away]

between us mend
sing it loud, now

[tim spoken: no-one will take this moment away]

friends (friends)
friends (friends)
we can all be friends

[tim spoken: stop clapping]

if we just let the little hurt

[paul spoken: bl–dy richard f-cked up the song again]

[tim spoken: can you leave richard alone for five seconds?]

[paul spoken: aw, f-ck richard!]

[tim spoken: i do. i just tell him we’re moving the furniture ’round the house]

between us

[paul spoken: that’s funny cause, uh, i tell him we’re taking his temperature]

friends, friends, friends, friends
let’s be friends

[audience spoken: allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! allstars! -cheering-]

[paul spoken: hope there’s such a thing as reincarnation, you’ll come back as a f-cking car alarm. i don’t know what you’re f-cking laughing at you’re one of the ugliest people here and you still haven’t f-cking gone. look like the sort of guy that wouldn’t get out of the bath to take a sh-t]

- doug anthony allstars lyrics

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