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dweezil zappa - billy the mountain [return of the son of...] lyrics

billy the mountain
billy the mountain
a regular picturesque
postcardy mountain
residing between lovely
rosamond and gorman
with his stunning wife eth+ll
a tree!
a tree!

billy was a mountain
ethel was a tree
growing off of his shoulder

billy was a mountain
ethel was a tree
growing off of his shoulder

billy had two big
caves for eyes
with a cliff for a jaw
that would go up ‘n down
and whenever it did
he’d puff out some dust
and hack up a boulder
(hack!)
hack up a boulder
(hack! hack!)
hack up a boulder
(hack! hack! hack!)
hack up a boulder

now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big
lincoln continental, and he laid a huge
bulging envelope right at the corner of billy the mountain
right where his ‘foot’ was supposed to be
now, billy the mountain, he couldn’t believe it!
all those postcards he’d posed for, for over these years
and finally, now, at last, his royalties!
royalties! [repeat: x5]

billy the mountain was rich! his eyeball+caves widened in amazement
his cliff (which was his jaw), it dropped thirty feet!
ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out! rocks and boulders hacked up
(hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!) crushing ‘the lincoln’!
now, the man in the checkered suit, well
without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset
all the way to rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there
including ronnie cook what had happened to his car
i gave him the money
he acted real funny
he hocked up a rock and
it totaled my car!

oh, do you
know any trucks
might be bound for the valley?
i don’t want to stand here
all night in this bar
(dear lord)

i don’t want to stand here
all night in this bar
(no sh+t!)

i don’t want to stand here
all night in this bar!

by two o’clock, and the bars are already closed down
billy had already broken ‘the big news’ to ethel
with dust and boulders everywhere, billy, choked with excitement, announced
“ethel, we’re going on a vacation!”

yes, and they were going on a vacation!
(oh, and ethel, ethel, ethel, ethel just like a woman
of course she was delighted! she creaked a little bit
and some old birds flew off of her
hey, mr. tambourine man, play a song)
billy told ethel they were going to
they were going to new york!
“ethel, we’re going to
new york!”
but first they were gonna stop in las vegas
it’s off to las vegas
to check out the lounges
pull a few handles
drink a few beers
(oh, ethel!)

ethel, my darling
you know that i love you!
i’m glad we could have a
vacation this year!
(oh, neet+o!)

glad we could have a
vacation this year!

they left that night, crunchin’ across the mojave desert
their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds
“ethel, want to get a cuppa cawfee?”
(howard johnson’s! [repeat: 4x])

“there’s a howard johnsons! want to eat some clams?”
the first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was edwards air force base
and to this very day, ‘wing nuts’ and data reduction clerks alike
speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when
test stand number one and the rocket sled itself got lunched!
by a famous mountain+in and his small, wooden wife
good bye to las vegas
farewell to the lounges
we pulled a few handles
we drank a few beers

guess that george putnam
should be on the air now
with the biggest new story
that has broken this year
(george putnam!)

his biggest new story
that has broken this year
(take it away, george!)

“word just in to the kttv news service undeniably links
this mountain and his wife to drug abuse
and pay+offs as part of a san joaquin valley sm+t ring!
however, we can assure parents in the southern california area
that a recent narcotics crack+down
in torrance, hawth+rne, lomita
westchester, playa del rey, santa monica
tujunga, sunland, san fernando, pacoima, sylmar
newhall, canoga park
palmdale, glendale, irwindale
rolling hills, granada hills, shadow hills, cheviot hills
will provide the secret evidence
the palmdale grand jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment
and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid
and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland empire
but it is this reporter’s opinion that ethel is a former communist”
within the week, jerry lewis had hosted a telethon (“wah wah wah, nice lady!”) to raise funds for the injured (injured) and homeless (homeless) in denver
as billy had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town
billy caused a ‘oh mein papa’ in the earth’s crust
right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the pools of old poison gas
and obsolete germ bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through
(my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby) [repeat: x3]

sucking up two thirds of it (suck! suck! suck!)
for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of … watts!
now, it was about this time, i think it was right outside of columbus, ohio that billy got his notice to report for his induction physical
now, believe me, ethel said she wasn’t gonna let him go!

“i’m not gonna let you go, billy!”
and george putnam, the right+wing creepo fascist pig newscaster from los angeles said
(take it away george putnam
the right+wing fascist radical creepo pig newscaster from los angeles!)

“we now have confirmed reports from an informed orange county minister
that eth+ll is still an active communist
and it’s this reporter’s opinion that she also practices witch+craft!”

it was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase
belonging to the one mortal man
who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save ‘america herself’!

now, some men say he looked like (he looked like)
felix pappalardi (felix pappalardi); still others say (others say)
bullsh+t, man (bullsh+t, man) he was just born (he was born)
next to the frozen beef pies at gristede’s (frozen beef pies)
still others say (others say he was just another)
again, he was just a crazy italian (crazy italian) who drove a red car
you see it was hard to tell (but n0body knows)
n0body knew for sure (for sure)
he was so (so) mysterious (mysterious)
oh yes, he was
he was so
(he was so, he was so!)
mysterious!

he was so
mysterious!

cause when a person gets to be
such a hero, folks
and marvelous beyond compute
you can never really tell
about a guy like that
(whether he’s really a nice person
or if he just smiles a lot)
(what?)
or if he has a son named ‘pinocchio’
or what?

whether he’s really a nice person or if he has a son named ‘pinocchio’ or what?
some men say he could fly
some men say he could swim
others say he could sing (like neil sedaka)
and all the girls in flushing
would be amazed of him
(two, three!)
amazed of him!

time passes…
january, february, march, july
wednesday
august
irwindale
2:30 in the afternoon
sunday! monday…
funny cars!
walnut!
friday
city of industry
big john mazamanian!

so when the phone rang
in the secret briefcase
(thank you)
a strong masculine hand
with a wristw+tch
and flexy bracelet
grabbed it
and answered
in a deep, calmly assured voice:

“yes, this is he! what? a mountain with a tree growing off of its shoulder?
you’re fulla sh+t, man, what? what, uh, are, are you sure?
oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here, to new york?
causing untold destruction?”
(my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, oh!
my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby
my baby, my baby
my baby, my baby, my baby
my baby, my baby)
(my baby, my baby, my baby)

“wanted for draft evasion?
can i, can i fly there immediately and reason with him?
an expense account? and per diem, too?”
some men say he could dance!
yes, he could dance
and here it is, ladies and gentlemen
the studebaker hoch dancing lesson & cosmic prayer for guidance featuring aynsley dunbar
twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
right hand from the heart+uh
(professional)
left hand from the heart+uh
(exquisite)
right hand from the heart+uh
(homunculus)
left hand from the left shoulder
to the heart+uh

twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
there were a number of rumors circulating about studebaker hoch recently
consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write
the lord’s prayer on the head of a pin!
some men say he could write the lord’s prayer
on the head of a
head of a
head of a pin
(three dog night)
(yeah)

other still maintain the fact! (good god!)
he was born next to the frozen beef pies
(and that was the main influence on him!)

boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school)
whereupon she he ran around the back of ‘gimbel’s’
to see if he could find some big un+used cardboard boxes

after which, he hit up gristede’s for some ‘kaiser broiler foil’
some ‘aunt jemima syrup’, and a pair of blunt scissors! hey+hey!
yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the
one fifth avenue hotel (in between a pair of customized trucks where n0body was looking)
he cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered ’em thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil . . . thorougly with foil
thoroughly with foil
thoroughly with with foil!

then he took those ‘wings’
and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth

he closed the door! and he pulled down his gray denim bus driver type pants
and he spread even amounts of aunt jemima syrup all over the inside of his legs
right underneath his boxer pretty shorts, ha ha ha!
soon the booth was filling with flies!
(help me, help me, help me!)
he held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in
yes! and when each and every one of those little
each and every one of those little c+cksuckin’ flies had gone into his boxer shorts
and was lapping up all that good aunt jemima syrup
he bent over and he put his head between his legs
and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice
“new york!”
and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
studebaker
yeah, yeah
studebaker
studebaker

studebaker
yeah, yeah
studebaker
studebaker

he’s coating his legs
with aunt jemima syrup up and down!

his shorts’ll be filled with flies
that will be buzzing all around!
(help me, help me, help me!)

stoodlabaker hoch
he’s really outa sight!
stoodlabaker hoch
he does it every night!
stoodlabaker hoch
he treats the flies all right
stoodla+baker hoch
that’s why they never bite, hey!

(please to new york!
fly to new york!)

he could be a dog
or a frog
or a lesbian queen!

(fly to new york!)
he could be a nark
or a lady marine!

or he might play dirty!
he’s over thirty!
(getting old? say! i don’t know!)

his peculiar attire
and the flies he require
keep leading him on
cause eth+ll is gone
and the mountain she’s on

(please to new york!
fly to new york!)

(fly to new york!)
(i don’t know!)
his peculiar attire
and the flies he require
keep leading him on
cause ethel is gone
they keep leading him on
cause ethel is gone
and the mountain she’s on

we join studebaker hoch standing on the edge of billy the mountain’s mouth
“billy? i’ve come to reason with you!
our great country needs you in the armed forces!
why, it’s all fair and square, the lottery, you know? your number came up
you can’t go on running like this forever.”
ethel shook her twigs angrily, but studebaker hoch, un+ferturbed, continued
“listen, you (cough cough) listen, you communist son+of+a+b+tch!
you better get your ass down there for your f+ckin’ physical
or i’ll see to it that you get used for fill dirt
in some impending new jersey marsh reclamation
and your girl+friend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms
primitive ironing boards (or a dog house)
get the (cough, cough), get the picture?”
billy just laughed
“ho, ho, ho! if they think they’re gonna draft me, they’re crazy!”
now you’d remember that studebaker hoch was standing on the edge of billy’s mouth
so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell
screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

(that was only one hundred feet, you carnaby cutie
let’s hear another set!)

which only goes to prove
a mountain is something
you don’t want to f+ck with
you don’t want to f+ck with
don’t f+ck around
(don’t f+ck around)

don’t f+ck with billy
and don’t f+ck with ethel

(you saw what just happened
to the guy with the flies!)

don’t f+ck around! [repeat: x7]

with
biddilly, biddilly
biddilly, biddilly, biddilly

biddilly
the
mountin!

thank you for coming to our concert. good night

- dweezil zappa lyrics

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