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deirdre flint – jenny of 100 dates (country mormon ending) lyrics

this is a story about a girl named jenny
and but for true love, she had it all
when the carnival came to town, she went to the gypsy
to see what she’d see in her crystal ball
and the gypsy said ‘you act so happy but you long for a true love
you long for your perfect mate
and the good news is, jenny, you’ll find it
but the bad news is you’ll only find it on your hundredth date.’
‘hundredth date?!’ ‘hundredth date.’

first date, not great, talked too much about his mother
next guy, bar fly, she moved on and called another
guy three, great times, talked books, arts, life
drank, danced, romanced, till she found he had a wife
four, a gastronomic nightmare, belched his way right through the dinner
five would not shut up about his days on tour with lynard skynard
number six looked good on paper, but he was a corporate drone
he took her to the opera and would not get off his cell phone
seven had a hobby smuggling weapons to the middle east
eight was quite a catch until she found he was a catholic priest
nine would wash his hands a dozen times and other strange behavior
number ten would like to know if jesus is her personal savior
eleven showed up in a set of slick red vinyl pants
took her to a swinger’s club, not her type of romance
twelve was a sweetheart, the mr. right for whom she’d hunted
till one night she found him featured on america’s most wanted

thirteen was an amway salesman she met in an elevator
left some rug shampoo at her house, hoping he could hook-and-bait her
but he struck out cause she had hardwood floors
fourteen, frumpy; fifteen, grumpy; sixteen, jerry falwell sp-wn
seventeen kept flashing back to his tour in vietnam
which was kind of weird for a guy of twenty-four
eighteen drove his car too wild; and nineteen, prozac poster-child
and twenty got too angry bowling, twenty-one was green-card trollin’
twenty-two liked judy garland, ballroom dancing, yep, gay
next guy cut the date short so to place a bid on ebay
twenty-four a cross-dresser with legs so great she had to hate him
twenty-five recited every baywatch episode verbatim
twenty-six was pistol-packing; twenty-seven, hygiene lacking
twenty-eight was in the guinness book for empty-beer-can-stacking
twenty-nine, spent dinner cursing his ex-girlfriend heather
called next day to break the date cause they had gotten back together
thirty was a set-up by a woman clearly out to spite her
cruel wench paired her up with a singer-songwriter (that’s vicious)
thirty-one sold flowers at the airport dressed like dalai lama
thirty-two, a washed-up rink guard at her local rollerama
thirty-three, a throw-back hippie way too into commune life
thirty-four, a country mormon trolling for his seventh wife
ninety-five, a tattoed biker with confederate bandanna
ninety-six, militia leader on vacation from montana

okay, those of you who went to school before or after new math, might be doing the algorithm right now and realizing, okay, those numbers don’t add up. but those of you who went to school during new math, know that it’s not whether the answer is right or wrong, but how you feel about the answer that really matters. but there is a perfectly logical explanation to the break in sequence. jenny awoke to find herself one day, lying in a hospital bed, with her room-mate sitting by her side.
and she said ‘oh, my gosh, where am i? what happened?’
and her roommate explained:
‘ninety-four, he was a pilot and he came to take you cruising
mister hot-shot crashed his plane, you got a head-wound and some bruising
doctor says that you’ll be fine, but somehow you just can’t recall
61 dates you went on shortly before your crash-and-fall’
jenny said, ‘well, maybe i’ll remember once off anesthesia’
‘look’, her room-mate said, ‘i met each one — you’d better keep amnesia’
ninety-seven, living proof for advocates of human spating
ninety-eight, well, who knew danny bonaduce was still dating?
next guy took her home to see his hand-built abe vigoda shrine
‘hey’ she said as he drove off, ‘that was date number ninety-nine’

i realize in this modern day and age you have a mult-tude of entertainment forms to choose from, most which promise more bang for your buck than a girl and her guitar can provide. but you, you took a chance on folk music, and in my attempts to show my appreciation, and in my attempts to stay compet-tive in the digital age, what with role-playing video games promising you, like, 13 billion different possible outcomes, i present to you, my multi-outcome folk song. there are four endings to this song, and i will only sing the ending that gets the most enthusiastic response. so first, i’ll roll through what the endings are, and then, when i repeat them, you applaud for the one that you wanna hear. so the four endings are: unresolved adolescent fantasy ending, grand old party ending, alternative lifestyles ending, and country mormon ending. okay, here’s some think time. [goes through the list, country mormon ending gets the most applause]

and the doorbell rang… and jenny knew her destiny was standing right beyond that threshold. who could it be? she ran to the door, she threw it open, and who was it? oh, my gosh, it was that country mormon, trolling for his seventh wife!
and he said, ‘i realize i’m the last person you expected to see right now. we have so little in common. i’m a little bit country, you’re a little bit rock ‘n’ roll. i’m a little bit church of the latter-day, and you probably have some pretty strong monogamy issues. but sister, i think if you will search your heart, you will realize that your place is at my side, somewhere in the barren flats of desert utah.’
and all of a sudden, jenny realized, she wasn’t getting any younger — wait, no, that’s not what she realized. what she realized was, she was falling in love with this podunk polygamist! and her dreams of finding a man who had all his teeth was just that — a dream! but here was reality! and she ran into his arms, and she said, “i’ll be your one-and-only! well, you know what i mean.”

so she lives in rural utah, and she loves the life they lead
the wives taught her to cook and sew, she’s taught them how to read
and the men go hunting rodents and she fries up what they bring her
they vacation in new york each year to go on jerry springer

she said, ‘i know no joy quite like a country mormon bride
we’re raising 30 children in our humble double-wide’
as for conjugal relations, which you’re hoping i’ll allude to
she gets hers at least once weekly and i’ll bet that’s more than you do…

- deirdre flint lyrics

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