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eddie izzard - dinosaurs - live lyrics

so in the christian faith god created adam in his own image, yeah? so that was good, but 65 million years before that god created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin ted. and ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was the huge f—ing monster of the family. and there must have been god, i mean it’s not in the bible, is it? it should have been mentioned somewhere around genesis. you’d think god would grab someone’s arm – some scribe who was copying out and saying (forcing scribe to write) “…but before that there were dinosaurs who were a bit cr-p, so f— ’em.” not in there, which could mean that, because dinosaurs were discovered in the 1700’s, 1800’s, somewhere around there, maybe it is a philosophy, and some bloke with a beard doesn’t live upstairs… maybe. (sings) blasphemy… blas for you…
so i think under the logic situation god – captain god with the big beard – he must have created the dinosaurs. and jesus must have asked a few questions, like “dad, dad! what are these dinosaurs? what were they all about? big hairy…” well, not hairy, were they. “big slimy b-st-rds. t–th. small hands – what’s that, for playing piano?” brain in the head, a brain in the bum! what’s a bum brain for?” (james mason voice) “well i’ll explain to you, jesus. what i did was i created the world in seven days. then on the eighth day…” (normal voice for jesus) “dad, are you going to do this james mason impression all the way through?” (mimes peeking through blinds during applause) “be quiet, you cherubim and seraphim! sorry dad, they’re very noisy up here in heaven. i’ll just let the blind down. (mimes this) all right, go on…” (james voice again) “well, as i was saying…” “you’re not going to do that james… do you real voice.” (high pitched weird voice) “my real voice is a bit weird.” “all right, do the james mason.” (james again) “well ok. so if i do this cr-p it’s not my fault – no, it’s not his fault.” (jesus is confused) er, yeah, but i don’t know what you’re talking about.” “all right, forget that. anyway. on the… who am i, quick? oh yes. created the world in six days, and on the seventh day, rested. eighth day i actually rested as well. ninth day, rested, ’cause i f—ing had just made a world, you know. tenth day, rested – actually i rested from then on, really. fourteenth day i decided to smoke all the marijuana i had created, just to test the first batch. on the fifteenth day i decided to smoke all the opium i had created, just to test the first batch. and on the 309th day i woke up again, and i decided to create 500 huge monsters that i’d seen just the night before.” “dad, did you have to make them so stupid?” “well i didn’t know what i was doing, i was off my t-ts.”

but then jesus had to go down onto the planet earth and preach the word of the lord to the dinosaurs, and he was not happy about that. “i’m not going down there!” (james again) “you must go down there, that’s your job. that’s what the son does.” (jc) “oh for f—‘s sake! what does mum think of all this?” “well, i think she agrees with me. it’ll be good character building stuff.” “just ’cause she’s an elvan queen.” “what, galadriel?” “yeah.” “my wife?” “yeah.” (pause for audience reaction) “no-one’s going with it.” “all right, they don’t know who she is, dad.” “no.” “all right, i’ll go down”. so he goes down, and he goes in the world and there’s dinosaurs everywhere (mimics dinosaurs?) “raargh! wuurgh! larrgh!” said jesus, trying to blend in. and he goes into a dinosaur bar. (mimes batwing doors) soon as he walks in all the dinosaurs stop what they’re doing. (mimes dinosaur playing piano, turning to look, then carefully closing the piano lid) other dinosaurs playing cards. (mimes dealing cards, sorting hand and finally bidding) “rarrh!” and jesus says, “my name is jesus, i’m the son of god – in one religion”. and he says, “i’ve come to read you the stuff from my father’s book, that we’re hoping to get a publisher for. it’s called the holy bibly. we may change the pr-nunciation on that. but we think a bibly is what people should have. have a bibly, sometimes maybe in the future people have biblys in all the hotel rooms in the world. the could say, “look, look at the bibly.” and people will pay attention
“anyway, these are just some ideas, you know, they are all rough, that my dad had. ‘blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.’ (dinosaur) “raarrgh!.” “all right, we’ll cross that one out. ’cause they won’t mind.” (becomes meek person who has just got the news) “no, no we’re fine, really, that’s fine. not inherit the earth? oh, right, we don’t need any…” (jc) “do you mind if you just don’t inherit the earth? we’ll do ‘blessed are the meek’ and that’s it.” “all right. do we inherit anything?” “no. well, maybe on old picture of an aunt.” “well, we’re all right with that, thank you.”
’cause the meek have had a h-ll of a time, as python talks about. but you’d think: the meek, they were supposed to inherit the earth. you’d think, no! they should be having meetings all over the world saying. (angry meek person) “well i’d like to call this meeting to order. has anyone inherited the earth? “well i inherited a car from my aunt, a ford cortina.” “well that’s not exactly the earth, is it, simon? i think we should pool our a–ets and get guns. that’s the only thing people pay attention to. ‘lock and load! what do we want? we want the earth! when do we want it? now motherf—er! (mimes machine gunning) oh, you want some do you? come on you b-st-rds, it’s our f—ing earth!” (film trailer voice) “the meek! they want it all!” (fast disclaimer voice) “don’t watch this film if you are on iv prophane. if you’re legs are nailed to your mother. if your jam lives in your…”
“anyway” said jesus. “right! i’m back here” said jesus. “yes… what about, not ‘blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth’, ‘blessed are the huge scaly monsters, for they shall doubtlessly inherit the earth – unless something awful happens with the temperature.”
and suddenly an archeopterix came screaming out of left field and took jesus’ head off ‘floomp foodoomp foodoomp!’ and jesus goes back up to heaven with his head under his shoulder, saying, (uses hand to mime speech) “dad! dad! they’re a bunch of b-st-rds!” (james again) “well what happened?” “well, they took my head off! i have to talk with my hand now… that’s what i have to do noooow!” “well, what a to-do. i’ll turn the world thermostat down to nought degrees kelvin.” “minus 273 degrees centigrade?” “you been at the physics books again?” (was accidentally miming hand-talk) ooh! sorry, i thought i was talking with my hand. (james again) “you been at the physics books again? oh yeah, well, your stepmother would be proud.”
what?
so he k!lled all the dinosaurs, god k!lled ’em all. then he went down there, and he took all the dinosaurs, and he put each one inside a stone. but then god seemed to wait 65 million years doing this: (mimes hanging around not doing much, singing scat) “doo doo dooo, doo doo dooooo, ba ba baaaa.”

- eddie izzard lyrics

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