ëirene (mi) - all saints day lyrics
it’s spring break and i’ve gotten to thinking
everyone is gone but the town is still busy
it’s the first time in a while i’ve been able to leave
it’s the last time for a while i’ll be able to breathe
someday they’ll all be gone off to college
someday 3rd grade will grace the halls i walked in
and maybe i’ll be able to go to the store
without staring at the sliding doors
i’m a really good ghost, you’ll come to know
(placeholder) whether you’re a friend or if you’re a foe
for a while i find a place to be
and then i get the urge to up and leave
when i was 9 in kingsley i sat
on the football field 1:15 flat
homecoming eve, watched the marching band play
and i knew that i wanted to do that someday
end of september, i sat by the window
and i cried to the sound of the saxophone
blocks away and i could feel the same feeling
that i got when my cymbals were crashing
i hope my old director knows
that i had nowhere else to go
and i swear i would’ve tried to warn
but i missed a day and away i was torn
i’m sorry i left you all with nothing
sometimes i think back to the air drumming
i remember the way you looked at me
while i taught you how hard a snare roll could be
my timpani mallets are in there somewhere
i hope you keep them safe in your care
i remember your laughter, your silence too
crimson and clover, that’s how we’d do
it’s spring and it’s the season of rebirth
all of the blossoms show me what i’m worth
and all my old friends wonder where i am
my ex+friends think my head’s in the sand
but the sand is a friend, the shore’s where i’m from
michigan beach, charlevoix with my mom
it was all i had when i couldn’t breathe
and it’s all i had when i had to leave
it’s 30 degrees in the city tonight
i’ve gotten used to my new life
i can’t remember what it’s like in your bed
and i can’t manifest what you’re like in my head
i think i could’ve been your girlfriend
but you know i get scared ’cause i know the end
you meet a person, you love them so
they discard you for another plus beau
i wish i could say i trust you but i can’t
when all of my best relations are dreamt
you may have what you think i need
but when you don’t, my knees’ll get weak
away i was torn on that january morning
the day police drove me in, little to no warning
eleven years old and on probation
it didn’t feel real, like a bad sensation
fifteen years, i forgot how to see
or maybe i just didn’t know how to be
turned my brain off like it hadn’t been done
five or so years ago, when i came undone
my therapist brendan taught me way back
that the freedom to be me was what i lacked
revisiting trauma scenes makes you feel sick
and until i left them it didn’t cl!ck
my psychiatrist said, when we met in november
just tell me everything that you remember
i told her i didn’t know how to be
until the admin department got tired of me
and eventually i’ll return to the earth
but for now, i’ll roll around in the dirt
and 10 years ago, i didn’t know hurt
10 years old, i know what this is worth
i’m still trying to find my old self
the happier one that got put on the shelf
for a very long time, i was afraid she was sold
but they rent her out til you’re 18 years old
i don’t know how i got to that place
it’s a blur, you could see in my face
but if i survived it i must be strong
strong enough to be around this long
now that winter has come and gone
i think with the anger i’m finally done
the boy with the long hair doesn’t matter to me
the girl with the long stare can watch me leave
all of my open wounds are now scabbing
all of my flowers bloom
i couldn’t say what caused the stabbing
pain in my heart alone in my room
i’ll still get nightmares, get nervous in walmart
i don’t want to explain why i went dark
but it’s almost april and the sun’s been out
it’ll be 6 months since my candle burnt out
but i understand now that it was a match
and i taught myself how fire can catch
i’m learning how to be happy, content
i’m learning more than two+step equations
i’ve got some big plans, i’ll get my ged
i want to be better than i thought i’d be
i want to be better than i thought i’d be
i want to be better than i thought i’d be
[voicemail]
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