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elro - fearing myself lyrics

[verse 1]

have you ever looked at your mum or your dad
ever looked at the people who were close in your life and felt like
you’re losing your mind cause the comforting thoughts no longer reside?
have you ever looked at your arm or your leg?
it looks the same but it’s strange in my head
have you ever felt you’re alive but you’re dead
my mind’s not mine and i can’t comprehend
how i’ve lived and felt for 20 years or more it’s just finally left
i feel numb but it’s more than regret
it’s a feeling i’m sure but it’s stuck in my head
have you ever thought to the point where your own subconscious mind seems all that’s there?
i’m aware the despair that i’m feeling’s rare cause my nightmare’s never compared
it’s a feeling i’m trying to grasp
but to put into words is more than a task
my speech is a product of the past
where the mind that i have was evolving in there
i’ve had thoughts like these in the past
but my mind wouldn’t dwell and they’d easily last
no longer than a minute or a moment
but things change and it’s hard to get over
what used to amaze and excite me’s amazing
i’m fighting this mindset i’ve made
i wanna blaze to get over this stage
but my fear of my own brain’s made me insane
i’ve got no one to blame but myself
but this brain that i’ve gained is a whole new place
and it’s hard to express
in a way i’m a mess
and these words are redundant and tame

[hook]

twenty two years
i’ve been fearing my health
now i’m fearing myself and it’s weird
but my physical health
just doesn’t matter cause my mind is a platter of nothingness
i’d be bluffing if i claimed i’m myself

twenty two years
i’ve been fearing my health
now i’m fearing myself and it’s weird
but my physical health
just doesn’t matter what i’ve taken for granted
cause now i’m lost
and i’m searching for a cure for this loss

[verse 2]

i see my mates and they’re talking and laughing
i try and join but i’m numb so we’re parting
i try and say what i’m feeling inside
but my feeling’s reside in a part of my mind which is no longer working
i’m hurting
cause the old me is lurking somewhere
but the part of my head which is there now it’s dead and i fear it’s departed
think of this, right, when people are talking
you can hear what they say but it’s daunting
you respond in a way that you know that you should
like it’s normal but thoughts have aborted
it’s taunting
i try and empathise but it’s lies
i despise the persona i’m forced to disguise
i can think of a close friend dying in my head and my mind doesn’t mind it
as i write this i’m frightened
but i know that in hours or in days
that the flame that i crave’s reigniting
seems exciting
but excitement’s a prize that my new self is hiding
it’s like i’m hiding my pride
i’m just seeking a guide to explain why my ego resides
what’s the point in socialising when your social life is a lie?
you ever thought about why you like sh-t?
why you smoke sh-t, drink or buy sh-t?
you ever broke sh-t down to the point where it’s empty and frightening?
you say yes but you ain’t just like me
cause when you think these thoughts for a second you’re a normal person
i’m stuck for live sh-t
i’m a headf-ck lost in a psycho disguising

[hook]

just doesn’t matter cause my mind is a platter of nothingness
i’d be bluffing if i claimed i’m myself (x2)

[verse 3]

i see gaps where the old me returns
it’s like a break from this h-ll that i’ve earned
and all i crave is this numbness gone
i’ve been trying to be strong
but inside me i’m hurt
when i feel it’s the best
unreal
ingesting the air’s like s-x
i can feel it’s testing me deeply
well done me
it’s a rest from this mind
and i’m healing
suddenly appealing has a meaning
and my love for my family’s seeping
back through my veins and my sanity’s changed from a psycho caged in a maze
to myself on a stage
and relief is a statement changed from a word to a state
as i rave my complaints are a haze
like i’m back to the days
when i rap and my feelings are sane

[hook x2]

- elro lyrics

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