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emerald rose - never split the party lyrics

(i know i had a dungeon master screen here somewhere)
(who has my glow-in-the-dark twenty-sided?)
(hey, i can’t find my character sheet, where’s my character– oh, there it is)
(that’s my beer, you’re going to have to roll a saving throw)
(it’s here with the cheetos)
(if i catch somebody looking at my dungeon master screen, more than dice are going to roll)
(i know i gave it to somebody over here and i didn’t get it back)
(you, roll for initiative)
(i can’t roll)
(eugh, now it’s got yellow on it)

we were skulking through this dungeon, a mighty sorry lot
old galliard the fighter had been actin’ like a sot
our cleric had colitis; our torches all were wet (uh oh)
but we had to find some treasure soon to get us out of debt (alright, who had the d-mn lobster bisque?)

so galliard and sonja were itchin’ for a fight (c’mere)
they both took the left fork, while we went to the right
and that is when we heard it: the sound of rollin’ dice
we wondered why we had ignored these words of sage advice (two words: diversified portfolio)

don’t you know you never split the party?
clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty
the wizard in the middle, where he can shed some light
and you never let that d-mn thief out of sight

so then we heard this bellow (ow!) from back around the bend
we turned around to see if there was aid that we could lend
and suddenly the corridor was covered up with orcs
we fell back in a panic, feeling like a bunch of dorks (all of my dice are cubic zirconium)

the thief had p-ssed his leathers (no); our monk was turning blue
our wizard got all fl-stered and he covered us with goo
the cleric swung his holy club, some orcish skulls to break
we tried to dodge his backswing as we pondered our mistake

we finally found our fighters; they were hacking at a troll
they chopped off knees and elbows, but it kept on growing whole
our wizard flung his fireball, his dice they did not fail
he torched that troll and left our fighters roasting in their mail (barbeque)

the cleric had his hands full; apologies were said (i’m sorry)
we swore an oath we’d stick together just like we were wed (yes, dear)
but then we found that sneaky thief had vanished in the gloom
we caught him stuffing pockets in the secret treasure room (hehehe, i’m in politics)

- emerald rose lyrics

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