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frank sidebottom – mr custard you’re a fool lyrics

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general custard was a soldier man with a horse and a cowboy hat
he shot loads of them indians, and usually that was that
but history was about to change
on the reservations and home on the range

mr custard you’re a fool
red indian chief you’re a fool
mike tyson you’re a fool
but at least you’re a millionaire
but if you fight it’ll end in tears

an indian chief rode into town and said to mr custard “you’re dead”
he said to the chief, “you don’t scare me
you look just like a loony with a turkey on your head
let’s have a scr+p at midday tomorrow
‘cos i’m off to have me tea and go to bed.”

mr custard you’rе a fool
red indian chief you’re a fool
mikе tyson you’re a fool
but at least you’re a millionaire
but if you fight it’ll end in tears

[frank spoken]
the following day arrived. and the battle was set for high noon
they all sychronised their watches ready for the punch+up
and waited for the town hall clock to strike midday
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight

mr custard you’re a fool
red indian chief you’re a fool
mike tyson you’re a fool
but at least you’re a millionaire
but if you fight it’ll end in tears

oh
the cavalry wore light blue
and the indians had red skin
they looked a bit like city and united
but they hadn’t got a football so they couldn’t begin

oh football’s a funny old game
but they hadn’t invented it yet

[spoken]
[little frank]
and?
[frank]
what do you mean ‘and’? you can’t just say ‘and’

[little frank]
i mean what happens now?

[frank]
that doesn’t make sense “whats happens now”. “whats happens now” is not proper english. don’t talk to me like that or i won’t answer you, right?

[little frank]
i mean, what happened to the cowboys?

[frank]
err… don’t know actually ‘cos me video tape ran out before the film had finished recording

[little frank]
so you mean that’s the end of the song?

[frank]
no, i don’t mean it’s the end… no, i’ll tell you whats happens now, right! it just stops for a minute and then starts again if you’ll just wait

[little frank]
how long do we have to wait for?

[frank]
just wait. it’s coming in a second
[little frank]
i notice we got back to football again, didn’t we?

[frank]
well…no we didn’t because if you remember i said football’s not been invented so that means we’re not back to football

[little frank]
it had been invented then

[frank]
no it hadn’t

[little frank]
oh yes it had, what about the dallas cowboys and the washington redskins?

[frank]
yeah, well that… shh, here it comes, here’s the end of the song, shush shush shush

[singing]
mr custard you’re a fool
red indian chief you’re a fool
mike tyson you’re a fool
but at least you’re a millionaire

mr custard you’re a fool
red indian chief you’re a fool
mike tyson you’re a fool
but at least you’re a millionaire
but if you fight it’ll end in tears

you know it will
it really will

thank you

- frank sidebottom lyrics

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